Sunday, April 8
Sunday, March 25
Friday, March 9
Tuesday, June 7
But can you blame me? He promised to leave me for her. He said that he is just waiting for that perfect timing and that she’s not an animal that you can leave just like that. I was holding on to that promise!
I love him. He is what I expected him to be; just a little tweak and he’d be perfect for me. He’s sweet in his own ways; he may be corny at times but he makes me laugh which is very important. He listens intently to what I’m saying; he does not cut me off or tells me that what I’m saying means nothing to him—even if it really is none of his concern. When he touches, kisses, or hugs me, I feel the sincerity and love. When I lay my head on his chest, it feels like home and I never want to pull away. He’s protective of me, he’s jealous, and he’s in pain because of my past. His words may be harsh when he’s mad, a little immature at times but when I do get his point, I just scratch my head and say to myself ‘He’s damn right’.
He makes me want to be a better person. I never had an attendance infraction since we became together, I now work more diligently and with more integrity, and I became more responsible and proactive with my job. I now ignore other guys (not like there’s a lot); I’m just saying that I no longer get that feeling that I want to flirt with other guys still. That part’s a little funny and it may cause some people to raise their eyebrows but it’s true. I learned to control my temper, manage my time, and be a better friend to everyone. I no longer get crazily drunk or high. On top of all that, I just quit smoking because he told me to.
One of the determining factors of my being in love with him tremendously is that he is also in love with my son. I know that it’s not just for show; given his age he now wants to raise his own child. Since he doesn’t have one yet, he pours his frustration to be a dad out to my son which is a good thing. He’s adorable, trying to be a father and all. Plus, my son adores him too. It’s wonderful to watch them bond, play, and feed each other French fries.
I know that in order to realize how hard it is for me to leave him, you would have to be in my position. I did try to leave him, many times. I can’t tell you exactly how many times I told him that I’m walking away. I could not do it. I would always take him back.
The biggest fight we had was after our beach trip. We did not talk for a whole shift. I really thought that that was the end of us, that I was strong enough for our break up. After shift, we sat and talked for close to an hour; half the time was spent on crying. I blamed him for allowing all this to happen, for not leaving the other girl as he promised. I begged him for a reason and he told me the truth—he was about to leave her but he realized that he loved us equally he would rather leave us both than choose one over the other. I don’t know how that’s possible or even if that were true but it hurts like hell. I wasn’t enough after all, I was not able to give him enough reasons to leave her.
When he said that he did not know what to do at that point, I told him that I’d decide for him. I told him that I’ll just leave since I am the intruder in the first place. He cried; he showed me that he did not want me to go. I stood my ground and held on to my decision; I knew I had to sacrifice my feelings, again, so that things would be better for all party involved. He got my point and accepted my decision.
And so we bade goodbye and for the first time, I rode the jeepney alone on the way home.
I was holding back my tears all the way home. When I finally reached my room, I cried hard. I felt like I wanted to disappear. I couldn’t breathe properly; my chest felt like it was about to explode. I couldn’t think or talk straight. In short, I realized that I can’t lose him. No way. Even if it means that I have to live with the fact that he may not leave the other girl at all. I would rather go through the pain of knowing that I no longer have his promise than be without him. The fear of losing him suddenly became unbearable.
And so we got back together that same day—I went to UP to meet him and told him the last three sentences of the previous paragraph.
After that episode, I stopped looking forward to a future with him. I no longer speak of anything that relates to moving in together, marriage, kids, goals and all that family shit. Plus, I learned how to pretend. I blocked any thought of the other girl’s existence just ‘cause it hurts too much. I managed to distract myself every time something will remind me of her existence. He’s happy with that, he’s now less stressed because I no longer nag him about moving out or about his relationship with her. We’re happy living a lie. There are more laughter and sweet moments than ever before.
Someday, one of us will walk away. This will end; someone has to get tired since this cannot go on forever. I have never lived with too much uncertainties ‘til now and truth is, it’s draining the life out of me. Maybe I’ll just snap one day, I don’t know. I am not proud of what I’m doing but it feels like an addictive drug that I can’t get out of my system. I need to be rehabilitated for loving too much.
I don’t know how to end this entry, just like I don't know how to end my relationship with J. So, I’ll just stop typing.
It is depressing to realize how things worked out for me. How sad it is that I am now sitting on the floor, facing my laptop and pathetically trying to create an entry for my blog, while painfully remembering the important details of my February, March, April, and May.
As documented in the previous entry, we (E and I) tried to win each other back. We were going back and forth with this ‘I want you back’ scenario and I ended up losing that tug-of-war. Yes, I was the last one who said I wanted him back. And he was the last one who said NO, with all the angst and bitterness in his heart.
Mid-march, he left our home. He left without saying that he would. I went home after a tiring day at the grocery store to find that half of his stuff was gone, including J’s backpack. I did not know where he went, I panicked and I was dead worried about him. Little did I know, he was perfectly fine being taken care of by another girl—the girl from the third floor of our apartelle who just moved out a month ago.
I moved out of our apartment two weeks after that. A few days before I moved out, I heard through the grapevine that he was seeing somebody else—even when he was still with me. Little by little, I discovered that he and the girl had been fucking each other since November (or maybe even earlier than that, I’m not so sure anymore). At our own apartment. Yup, even when he was trying to win me back, he was fucking that girl. I confronted him through text, he carefully answered one question at a time. We had a little argument but in the end, he apologized.
He apologized for everything—for not being a suitable partner to me and a father to my son. He wanted me to tell our son that he was unfit to be his father. He also said that he will no longer extort anything from anyone and that the next time I see him, he would be a different person. He thanked me for everything. Lastly, he told me that he was sorry he wasn’t able to give me the happiness I deserve.
I thought he would still provide for my son. He stopped after a mere one thousand. I’m not after any monetary assistance though. In the end, I just want him to still be a father to my son.
Too bad, he no longer is a father to my son. He walked out completely. He stopped communicating; he cut off any form of communication with us.
I don’t know how he is now. I don’t know what he does anymore. I wanted him to still bond with our son because I can’t take that away from Aki; I don’t want our son to blame me for growing up without his biological father. I actually thought that E would not do this to his own son. But I guess he patterned his life out of his past. His father walked out of his life, so he walked out of his own son’s life.
I still worry about him. I still think about him every once in a while. I still genuinely hope that he’s doing great, that he’s eating well and not getting sick. I no longer cry because of him; I think I’m already through with that. I suffered a month or two crying my eyes out because of our failed relationship. No more of that now. I’m actually surprised about how easy it was for me to move on, although I know that I haven’t done that completely. Maybe I learned to develop a little anger from what he did and I learned not to hold on to our sappy memories anymore.
Tonight, I searched for him through my mom’s FB page since they’re still friends and he blocked me on FB. When I typed his name on the search field, I saw that he changed his profile picture. I clicked on his name on the drop down thingy; it took a while to load so instead, I went to my mom’s page and searched for his page on my mom’s friends’ list.
It’s no longer there.
Maybe he was logged in at that time; he either blocked my mom on FB as well or he closed down his FB account altogether.
So I was not able to check on him. Last resort, I checked his girlfriend’s page. Oops, no longer his girlfriend.
She’s now his wife.
That’s why I’m sulking for not having that one thing I wish I had right now—a monogamous relationship that will eventually lead to marriage.
Maybe I’ll have that someday. Maybe not. So I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what fate has in store for me. For now, I’ll just have to be happy with the pretentious relationship I have with J. I know I shouldn’t resort to this but I am in love with him. Sometimes to get what we want the most, we have to do what we want the least. And trust me, the least I wanted to be is a ----
No more words for now. If you had a gun with you the next time we see each other, feel free to shoot me.
Monday, February 7
I had a clear plan - leave you, be happy with him, move forward. I did not anticipate that in between steps one and two, you'd realize my worth. What happened to the wall you built around you, guarding you from any form of emotional breakdown? I thought that in all these years I've attempted to break that wall, it would never fall down and crumble.
Yet now, why all of a sudden, it did.
Now that I am finally beginning to realize that I deserve a better life with a better man. A better future with a better hope of a romantic relationship that would never die down.
Why, after all this time, did you suddenly show me that your tear glands actually work? That these glands aren't merely there. Why press your palm against your chest to indicate how painful all this is for you?
Why tell me that you know now that there's no one better for you, that there's nobody in this world who you could love the way you do me, that there's no other woman you could imagine growing old with?
If only you told me all these three months ago then all of these couldn't have happened. Then again, I could still be very frustrated trying to survive the "one-way" relationship (or so I thought) that we had.
Last night, when I walked away from you, I remembered a similar scenario that happened months ago. Six months to be exact. You were close to tearing up, I was having a hard time breathing from crying too much, we were hugging each other like it would be the last time we would have to do that. Because we felt that at that moment, we've reached the end of us. At that moment, we wanted to feel each other's warmth for the last time, let the love we had for each other flow. I cannot put into words how painful it is to realize that a love so strong can weaken in time...
Six months ago, you were about to leave me for someone else. This time, I am about to leave you. For someone else.
This isn't vengeance. This is the universe conspiring with me to help me achieve what I've been hoping for.
The sad part is, now I have to choose. And no matter who I choose, I will break someone's heart to pieces.
If you were in my situation, what would you do? Go.