It is depressing to realize how things worked out for me. How sad it is that I am now sitting on the floor, facing my laptop and pathetically trying to create an entry for my blog, while painfully remembering the important details of my February, March, April, and May.
February
As documented in the previous entry, we (E and I) tried to win each other back. We were going back and forth with this ‘I want you back’ scenario and I ended up losing that tug-of-war. Yes, I was the last one who said I wanted him back. And he was the last one who said NO, with all the angst and bitterness in his heart.
March
Mid-march, he left our home. He left without saying that he would. I went home after a tiring day at the grocery store to find that half of his stuff was gone, including J’s backpack. I did not know where he went, I panicked and I was dead worried about him. Little did I know, he was perfectly fine being taken care of by another girl—the girl from the third floor of our apartelle who just moved out a month ago.
I moved out of our apartment two weeks after that. A few days before I moved out, I heard through the grapevine that he was seeing somebody else—even when he was still with me. Little by little, I discovered that he and the girl had been fucking each other since November (or maybe even earlier than that, I’m not so sure anymore). At our own apartment. Yup, even when he was trying to win me back, he was fucking that girl. I confronted him through text, he carefully answered one question at a time. We had a little argument but in the end, he apologized.
He apologized for everything—for not being a suitable partner to me and a father to my son. He wanted me to tell our son that he was unfit to be his father. He also said that he will no longer extort anything from anyone and that the next time I see him, he would be a different person. He thanked me for everything. Lastly, he told me that he was sorry he wasn’t able to give me the happiness I deserve.
April
I thought he would still provide for my son. He stopped after a mere one thousand. I’m not after any monetary assistance though. In the end, I just want him to still be a father to my son.
Too bad, he no longer is a father to my son. He walked out completely. He stopped communicating; he cut off any form of communication with us.
May
I don’t know how he is now. I don’t know what he does anymore. I wanted him to still bond with our son because I can’t take that away from Aki; I don’t want our son to blame me for growing up without his biological father. I actually thought that E would not do this to his own son. But I guess he patterned his life out of his past. His father walked out of his life, so he walked out of his own son’s life.
I still worry about him. I still think about him every once in a while. I still genuinely hope that he’s doing great, that he’s eating well and not getting sick. I no longer cry because of him; I think I’m already through with that. I suffered a month or two crying my eyes out because of our failed relationship. No more of that now. I’m actually surprised about how easy it was for me to move on, although I know that I haven’t done that completely. Maybe I learned to develop a little anger from what he did and I learned not to hold on to our sappy memories anymore.
Tonight, I searched for him through my mom’s FB page since they’re still friends and he blocked me on FB. When I typed his name on the search field, I saw that he changed his profile picture. I clicked on his name on the drop down thingy; it took a while to load so instead, I went to my mom’s page and searched for his page on my mom’s friends’ list.
It’s no longer there.
Maybe he was logged in at that time; he either blocked my mom on FB as well or he closed down his FB account altogether.
So I was not able to check on him. Last resort, I checked his girlfriend’s page. Oops, no longer his girlfriend.
She’s now his wife.
That’s why I’m sulking for not having that one thing I wish I had right now—a monogamous relationship that will eventually lead to marriage.
Maybe I’ll have that someday. Maybe not. So I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what fate has in store for me. For now, I’ll just have to be happy with the pretentious relationship I have with J. I know I shouldn’t resort to this but I am in love with him. Sometimes to get what we want the most, we have to do what we want the least. And trust me, the least I wanted to be is a ----
...
No more words for now. If you had a gun with you the next time we see each other, feel free to shoot me.
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