I owe my blog an entry Part 2: J

Oh yes, I am aware that the logical and smart thing to do would be to leave him. I know how it feels to be betrayed and cheated on so I should not do this to another woman. Trust me, I do know that!

But can you blame me? He promised to leave me for her. He said that he is just waiting for that perfect timing and that she’s not an animal that you can leave just like that. I was holding on to that promise!

I love him. He is what I expected him to be; just a little tweak and he’d be perfect for me. He’s sweet in his own ways; he may be corny at times but he makes me laugh which is very important. He listens intently to what I’m saying; he does not cut me off or tells me that what I’m saying means nothing to him—even if it really is none of his concern. When he touches, kisses, or hugs me, I feel the sincerity and love. When I lay my head on his chest, it feels like home and I never want to pull away. He’s protective of me, he’s jealous, and he’s in pain because of my past. His words may be harsh when he’s mad, a little immature at times but when I do get his point, I just scratch my head and say to myself ‘He’s damn right’.

He makes me want to be a better person. I never had an attendance infraction since we became together, I now work more diligently and with more integrity, and I became more responsible and proactive with my job. I now ignore other guys (not like there’s a lot); I’m just saying that I no longer get that feeling that I want to flirt with other guys still. That part’s a little funny and it may cause some people to raise their eyebrows but it’s true. I learned to control my temper, manage my time, and be a better friend to everyone. I no longer get crazily drunk or high. On top of all that, I just quit smoking because he told me to.

One of the determining factors of my being in love with him tremendously is that he is also in love with my son. I know that it’s not just for show; given his age he now wants to raise his own child. Since he doesn’t have one yet, he pours his frustration to be a dad out to my son which is a good thing. He’s adorable, trying to be a father and all. Plus, my son adores him too. It’s wonderful to watch them bond, play, and feed each other French fries.

I know that in order to realize how hard it is for me to leave him, you would have to be in my position. I did try to leave him, many times. I can’t tell you exactly how many times I told him that I’m walking away. I could not do it. I would always take him back.

The biggest fight we had was after our beach trip. We did not talk for a whole shift. I really thought that that was the end of us, that I was strong enough for our break up. After shift, we sat and talked for close to an hour; half the time was spent on crying. I blamed him for allowing all this to happen, for not leaving the other girl as he promised. I begged him for a reason and he told me the truth—he was about to leave her but he realized that he loved us equally he would rather leave us both than choose one over the other. I don’t know how that’s possible or even if that were true but it hurts like hell. I wasn’t enough after all, I was not able to give him enough reasons to leave her.

When he said that he did not know what to do at that point, I told him that I’d decide for him. I told him that I’ll just leave since I am the intruder in the first place. He cried; he showed me that he did not want me to go. I stood my ground and held on to my decision; I knew I had to sacrifice my feelings, again, so that things would be better for all party involved. He got my point and accepted my decision.

And so we bade goodbye and for the first time, I rode the jeepney alone on the way home.

I was holding back my tears all the way home. When I finally reached my room, I cried hard. I felt like I wanted to disappear. I couldn’t breathe properly; my chest felt like it was about to explode. I couldn’t think or talk straight. In short, I realized that I can’t lose him. No way. Even if it means that I have to live with the fact that he may not leave the other girl at all. I would rather go through the pain of knowing that I no longer have his promise than be without him. The fear of losing him suddenly became unbearable.

And so we got back together that same day—I went to UP to meet him and told him the last three sentences of the previous paragraph.

After that episode, I stopped looking forward to a future with him. I no longer speak of anything that relates to moving in together, marriage, kids, goals and all that family shit. Plus, I learned how to pretend. I blocked any thought of the other girl’s existence just ‘cause it hurts too much. I managed to distract myself every time something will remind me of her existence. He’s happy with that, he’s now less stressed because I no longer nag him about moving out or about his relationship with her. We’re happy living a lie. There are more laughter and sweet moments than ever before.

Someday, one of us will walk away. This will end; someone has to get tired since this cannot go on forever. I have never lived with too much uncertainties ‘til now and truth is, it’s draining the life out of me. Maybe I’ll just snap one day, I don’t know. I am not proud of what I’m doing but it feels like an addictive drug that I can’t get out of my system. I need to be rehabilitated for loving too much.

I don’t know how to end this entry, just like I don't know how to end my relationship with J. So, I’ll just stop typing.