I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my lids and all is born again. (I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, And arbitrary blackness gallops in: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. (I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade: Exit seraphim and Satan’s men: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you’d return the way you said, But I grow old and I forget your name. (I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead; At least when spring comes they roar back again. I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. (I think I made you up inside my head.)
---
I was looking for a challenging declamation piece this morning when I came across this site which featured the piece above.
The month of June had been cruel to me. I went through a series of heartbreaks, two of which tested my sanity.
For the most recent heartbreak which I am hoping would be the last for this month or for this year (whatever), I dedicate the piece above. Soon, I would be creating an original entry for that but because my stomach is being very cooperative today (I love sarcasms), I would have to make do with Plath's work for now.
"I tried calling your number... It wasn't working?"
That was your last message to me. Exactly twelve hours after that, I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror. My vision was clouded. Her voice was echoing inside my head. The need to feel giddy and dress up for the upcoming office party was gone. I could hear nothing else in the small room but the sound of my own little screams.
I completely forgot that my son was on the bed, staring at me innocently.
"What's wrong, Nanay? Why sad?"
"Nothing, baby... It was nothing..."
"Happy na!" Then he flashed his widest smile at me. I know that was supposed to take away even the slightest pain but to my surprise, it didn't. This was different. This never happened to me before.
Everything after that passed by in a flash. All I could remember was I was crying in the rain while sitting on a familiar spot at the fifth floor constantly calling out your name, hopelessly begging for you to hold me. Then I was crying in my station, re-reading all the messages you sent that I managed to save. I was also crying during my lunch break, while listening to the song "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright (which my friend told me was a song played on your favorite series, House). I also cried hard when I spoke to a friend of ours, I told her that I couldn't bear looking at a lifeless you. It was a series of crying that lasted for a whole weekend. I know I didn't manage to smile genuinely even for a second.
I am completely aware that what we had is nothing compared with what you had with M and A. Maybe I'm just a little speck of dust in your life, I'm not sure. What hurts a lot is that's not how you made me feel. For more than two years, you were a consistent confidence-booster, friend, and a heartbreaker. I almost got tired of it but you kept coming back and I was stupid enough to always take you back. The relationship we shared was never strongly defined, we talked about it a million times but we kept going around in circles. In the end, we found that it's better to let things stay as it were, no beginnings and break-ups. It was always "How have you been? I missed you so much".
That's the sad part though. There is always that feeling of being held back. I always get to the point where I stand between the thin line of expecting you to stay or being open enough to the possibility of you leaving again anytime soon. Then when the latter happens, which was the usual case, I am always left wondering how long will it take for you to send me another message . This time, I'm certain that my last message will be left unanswered. "Thank you for making me feel appreciated, beautiful, and special. I love you XXX, goodbye."
I almost wished at one point that we were really "together". Because if we were, I know we could have broken up eons ago then it wouldn't hurt this bad. I wouldn't be wishing every night (or day) before I go to sleep that you'd come to me in my dreams. I wouldn't be going out with that loser to temporarily mask the pain. I wouldn't be going to your house for the first and last time, hesitantly looking your wife in the eye trying to find myself in her somehow. I wouldn't be staring at your picture every other minute in the office, remembering how wonderful it was that you were with me.
I also wouldn't be wondering how death works, if by now you were standing in line with the rest of the souls in the Fields of Asphodel, or merrily wandering in a beautiful world as in Lovely Bones, or playing with the angels as one of your friends mentioned. I can only wish that you are in a better place now, no more dreadful bosses, stressful commute, and all the things you dislike. No more travelling to "hell and back", no more of that.
I terribly, terribly miss you. Fighting back my tears is no longer needed, I think my tear glands malfunctioned yesterday. I am looking forward to the day that I will ask how have you been again.
