Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind...

I have not lost anybody I love so deeply before.

This was before.

This time, I never failed to show her how much I care. I was seriously ready to get out of bed at 4am that morning to bring her to the hospital. I was so scared.

When we (my friends and I) talked about it in the office, I just said 'Ewan ko!" the moment I felt like crying, turned to face my computer, then shut up. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't face the fact that she wasn't there, laughing along with our jokes. I couldn't take the fact that she was laying on her bed, silently weeping, unable to speak and move the left part of her face. There was no one beside her the morning it happened. No one to comfort her. Nobody there to lie to her face that it was going to be okay.

I didn't lie to her that it was going to be okay. I know it wasn't going to be.

'And'yan si ___!" I rushed over to see her, but stopped on my track when I saw her face. I said hi then ran back to my station.

I cried for about five minutes. My shawl was helping me wipe the trace of tears from my face. I felt so broken.

I managed to stop when one of my friends told me that she shouldn't see me this way. She wouldn't want to see me crying. She is very strong, and she does not want to see anybody crying over her. She doesn't show us how hurt she is, and in return, she expects us to do the same.

I'm ready for it.

You're ready, but we're not. I love you like my own sister.

It's hard to face the inevitable. Someday, I hope it won't be too soon, I will weep a million more tears for her. And unlike what I've been telling my other friend whose grandfather's life is on the line, I am not getting myself ready. I can't find the strength to do so.

"She faces the wreck of worlds, and prophesies restoration.
She faces a sky blood-red with sunset colours that deepen into darkness, and prophesies dawn.
She faces death, and prophesies life."

"Try to be like the turtle -- at ease in your own shell."

I was so happy when I learned that I got $80.00 USD for being such a good agent.

WHY? Well, our account has this cool performance-based bonus which they named 'Go for Gold'. Top agents get $100, $80, or $40 depending on their CSAT Scores every month. Before, they (the management) gives the bonus every 15th of the month. Now, they give it every 3 months. Unfortunately, I never qualified from October to January because of my crappy absenteeism rate.

However; since my TL is so nice, I managed to hit the below 7% mark so I no longer am part of the 'IF ONLY' list for the months February and March.

I was literally jumping around the floor. I WAS SO HAPPY. It feels really good to know that I am well-rewarded. Although most agents got more than I got, one even reached the maximum which is $300 for 3 months, I am still very happy. I was feeling low since last week because my pay would not be sufficient for my family's monetary needs so this $80 really is a big help. In addition to that, I am qualified for an SSS loan so I no longer need to borrow money from a lending company that charges high interest rates. :)

I was telling my friend (well, more like shaking while telling) about this when she commented 'You'll realize later on that it's only $80 [compared to the other agent's bonuses]". I feel proud of myself for not sulking and responding with 'Oo nga 'no, you're right'. That's because I programmed myself not to complain and be contented with what I have. Comparing my bonus, or whatever I have for that matter, with anybody else's will only cause envy. Envy is evil. It gets you no where but to a world full of regrets and grudges. Those two words I am trying to erase from my vocabulary.

Honestly, I don't feel bad that I only got $80.00 USD. Scratch 'only', please.

I hope my friend did not think that I was pretentious in reacting like I did not care. Because frankly, I did not care that most agents got more than I got. Do not care. Will never care. What's important is, I'll get more than my usual pay on Friday.

What difference does it make how much there is laid away in a man's safe or in his barns, how many head of stock he grazes or how much capital he puts out at interest, if he is always after what is another's and only counts what he has yet to get, never what he has already. You ask what is the proper limit to a person's wealth? First, having what is essential, and second, having what is enough. - Seneca

Dot Dot Dot

I changed my layout. It's as messy as the stuff swirling around my head. When I'm already feeling less tired and sleepy as I am right now, I will post a decent entry. Err.. scratch 'decent' from the last sentence. :)