***
I told my good friend that July was the month of lies for us. It was a serious joke: Did you lie? D'you lie? July? The answer was always YES. July was a month of uncovering the truths behind the series of hurtful lies, unmasking the different faces of deceit and pretensions, revealing the hidden secrets that crushed not only one person, but three. Two victims and a suspect as other may perceive it. But I see it differently, three victims, and the whole universe to blame. We were all victims in the torments and chaos that the universe constrained us in.
***
I told myself before that once it happens, I will be well-prepared, that would be the last straw and the last reason for me to let go. And then it happened. I crossed the river when I got there. It was a complete 360 degree turn, all that was lost came back. All the love that I did not feel for almost a year, I felt it again. All the expectations I had were lost, it was all replaced by one major thing: I wish for you to love me again. The patience, kindness, and martyrdom I never thought I had all came out and molded me into this. It was never okay, but I was very optimistic, I managed to find the positive light always. All because I love you. I love us.
***
Is it too much pain that made me go numb? Or too much love that made me too forgiving? I am unsure. What I know is I am always wanting to be at home, with you and our kid. I always want to trace the outlines of your skin, feel the warmth of your lips, and brush my fingers through your hair. (They said if you're not willing to sound corny, you're not prepared to fall in love so there.. I sound so cheesy). I want more time with you always, to show you how much I've changed since. And I want to know what you want, in return.
***
I am being selfless. What we have now seems like a one-sided love affair. You don't reciprocate my endearment, you don't verbalize what you feel unlike me. If I were to rely on your actions, I will be completely assuming. Our friend asked me what I thought about your decision. I said it's either he's nowhere to run and has no other choice OR he's trying to fix us just like what I'm doing. I do prefer the latter, but I can't help but think that the first one is dominant. Although there is a certain warmth in your eyes that I see these days, that I am re-discovering the lost you from the way you yearn for me, I am still setting my expectations to a level that I know would not fail me too much. Setting expectations is what ruined me, us, and I wouldn't want that again. For now, I am content with the fact that you stayed, whole-heartedly or not. You stayed for all the right reasons, but I'm not sure if you're truly happy. Still, I am counting on your words: LET'S MAKE IT WORK. Yes. Let's do that.
***
Nawawalan na ng sense 'tong post ko. Ang iniisip ko 'pag nagsulat ako about this, touching and heartfelt ang kalalabasan. But due to the nuisance behind me, I find it impossible to create a less nauseating entry. Siguro, sa susunod na. When the world calms down and my stomach is at peace. Haay.
***
Don't ask how I am, you already know. I'm doing great. I'M AWESOME. Btw, the end that I was talking about in the first paragraph is this - Legen --- wait for it --- dary. Yes, I still have HIMYM hangover. I need an intervention, seriously. Can't wait for Season 6 to be aired in September...
