I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my lids and all is born again. (I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, And arbitrary blackness gallops in: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. (I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade: Exit seraphim and Satan’s men: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you’d return the way you said, But I grow old and I forget your name. (I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead; At least when spring comes they roar back again. I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. (I think I made you up inside my head.)
---
I was looking for a challenging declamation piece this morning when I came across this site which featured the piece above.
The month of June had been cruel to me. I went through a series of heartbreaks, two of which tested my sanity.
For the most recent heartbreak which I am hoping would be the last for this month or for this year (whatever), I dedicate the piece above. Soon, I would be creating an original entry for that but because my stomach is being very cooperative today (I love sarcasms), I would have to make do with Plath's work for now.
"I tried calling your number... It wasn't working?"
That was your last message to me. Exactly twelve hours after that, I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror. My vision was clouded. Her voice was echoing inside my head. The need to feel giddy and dress up for the upcoming office party was gone. I could hear nothing else in the small room but the sound of my own little screams.
I completely forgot that my son was on the bed, staring at me innocently.
"What's wrong, Nanay? Why sad?"
"Nothing, baby... It was nothing..."
"Happy na!" Then he flashed his widest smile at me. I know that was supposed to take away even the slightest pain but to my surprise, it didn't. This was different. This never happened to me before.
Everything after that passed by in a flash. All I could remember was I was crying in the rain while sitting on a familiar spot at the fifth floor constantly calling out your name, hopelessly begging for you to hold me. Then I was crying in my station, re-reading all the messages you sent that I managed to save. I was also crying during my lunch break, while listening to the song "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright (which my friend told me was a song played on your favorite series, House). I also cried hard when I spoke to a friend of ours, I told her that I couldn't bear looking at a lifeless you. It was a series of crying that lasted for a whole weekend. I know I didn't manage to smile genuinely even for a second.
I am completely aware that what we had is nothing compared with what you had with M and A. Maybe I'm just a little speck of dust in your life, I'm not sure. What hurts a lot is that's not how you made me feel. For more than two years, you were a consistent confidence-booster, friend, and a heartbreaker. I almost got tired of it but you kept coming back and I was stupid enough to always take you back. The relationship we shared was never strongly defined, we talked about it a million times but we kept going around in circles. In the end, we found that it's better to let things stay as it were, no beginnings and break-ups. It was always "How have you been? I missed you so much".
That's the sad part though. There is always that feeling of being held back. I always get to the point where I stand between the thin line of expecting you to stay or being open enough to the possibility of you leaving again anytime soon. Then when the latter happens, which was the usual case, I am always left wondering how long will it take for you to send me another message . This time, I'm certain that my last message will be left unanswered. "Thank you for making me feel appreciated, beautiful, and special. I love you XXX, goodbye."
I almost wished at one point that we were really "together". Because if we were, I know we could have broken up eons ago then it wouldn't hurt this bad. I wouldn't be wishing every night (or day) before I go to sleep that you'd come to me in my dreams. I wouldn't be going out with that loser to temporarily mask the pain. I wouldn't be going to your house for the first and last time, hesitantly looking your wife in the eye trying to find myself in her somehow. I wouldn't be staring at your picture every other minute in the office, remembering how wonderful it was that you were with me.
I also wouldn't be wondering how death works, if by now you were standing in line with the rest of the souls in the Fields of Asphodel, or merrily wandering in a beautiful world as in Lovely Bones, or playing with the angels as one of your friends mentioned. I can only wish that you are in a better place now, no more dreadful bosses, stressful commute, and all the things you dislike. No more travelling to "hell and back", no more of that.
I terribly, terribly miss you. Fighting back my tears is no longer needed, I think my tear glands malfunctioned yesterday. I am looking forward to the day that I will ask how have you been again.
This time, I never failed to show her how much I care. I was seriously ready to get out of bed at 4am that morning to bring her to the hospital. I was so scared.
When we (my friends and I) talked about it in the office, I just said 'Ewan ko!" the moment I felt like crying, turned to face my computer, then shut up. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't face the fact that she wasn't there, laughing along with our jokes. I couldn't take the fact that she was laying on her bed, silently weeping, unable to speak and move the left part of her face. There was no one beside her the morning it happened. No one to comfort her. Nobody there to lie to her face that it was going to be okay.
I didn't lie to her that it was going to be okay. I know it wasn't going to be.
'And'yan si ___!" I rushed over to see her, but stopped on my track when I saw her face. I said hi then ran back to my station.
I cried for about five minutes. My shawl was helping me wipe the trace of tears from my face. I felt so broken.
I managed to stop when one of my friends told me that she shouldn't see me this way. She wouldn't want to see me crying. She is very strong, and she does not want to see anybody crying over her. She doesn't show us how hurt she is, and in return, she expects us to do the same.
I'm ready for it.
You're ready, but we're not. I love you like my own sister.
It's hard to face the inevitable. Someday, I hope it won't be too soon, I will weep a million more tears for her. And unlike what I've been telling my other friend whose grandfather's life is on the line, I am not getting myself ready. I can't find the strength to do so.
"She faces the wreck of worlds, and prophesies restoration. She faces a sky blood-red with sunset colours that deepen into darkness, and prophesies dawn. She faces death, and prophesies life."
I was so happy when I learned that I got $80.00 USD for being such a good agent.
WHY? Well, our account has this cool performance-based bonus which they named 'Go for Gold'. Top agents get $100, $80, or $40 depending on their CSAT Scores every month. Before, they (the management) gives the bonus every 15th of the month. Now, they give it every 3 months. Unfortunately, I never qualified from October to January because of my crappy absenteeism rate.
However; since my TL is so nice, I managed to hit the below 7% mark so I no longer am part of the 'IF ONLY' list for the months February and March.
I was literally jumping around the floor. I WAS SO HAPPY. It feels really good to know that I am well-rewarded. Although most agents got more than I got, one even reached the maximum which is $300 for 3 months, I am still very happy. I was feeling low since last week because my pay would not be sufficient for my family's monetary needs so this $80 really is a big help. In addition to that, I am qualified for an SSS loan so I no longer need to borrow money from a lending company that charges high interest rates. :)
I was telling my friend (well, more like shaking while telling) about this when she commented 'You'll realize later on that it's only $80 [compared to the other agent's bonuses]". I feel proud of myself for not sulking and responding with 'Oo nga 'no, you're right'. That's because I programmed myself not to complain and be contented with what I have. Comparing my bonus, or whatever I have for that matter, with anybody else's will only cause envy. Envy is evil. It gets you no where but to a world full of regrets and grudges. Those two words I am trying to erase from my vocabulary.
Honestly, I don't feel bad that I only got $80.00 USD. Scratch 'only', please.
I hope my friend did not think that I was pretentious in reacting like I did not care. Because frankly, I did not care that most agents got more than I got. Do not care. Will never care. What's important is, I'll get more than my usual pay on Friday.
What difference does it make how much there is laid away in a man's safe or in his barns, how many head of stock he grazes or how much capital he puts out at interest, if he is always after what is another's and only counts what he has yet to get, never what he has already. You ask what is the proper limit to a person's wealth? First, having what is essential, and second, having what is enough. - Seneca
I changed my layout. It's as messy as the stuff swirling around my head. When I'm already feeling less tired and sleepy as I am right now, I will post a decent entry. Err.. scratch 'decent' from the last sentence. :)
I hate it when looklet does that. I tried sending the look to my page and all it did was give me the message 'Sending look to your page'. So instead of waiting for forever, or recreating the look in the morning (it works in the morning), I would have to settle with a screen shot of my recent master piece. LOL. If only there was a way to remove that Save Look box in the middle, then it would have been perfect.
When I create a new look, a story is being written in my head. Piece after piece, a dialogue is born. Once I am finished, the woman becomes another character. This one is my version of a Bond girl. I think she's cool. :)
"Au Revoir, Bond. There would be no other lifetime to meet you again. "
