I have not lost anybody I love so deeply before.
This was before.
This time, I never failed to show her how much I care. I was seriously ready to get out of bed at 4am that morning to bring her to the hospital. I was so scared.
When we (my friends and I) talked about it in the office, I just said 'Ewan ko!" the moment I felt like crying, turned to face my computer, then shut up. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't face the fact that she wasn't there, laughing along with our jokes. I couldn't take the fact that she was laying on her bed, silently weeping, unable to speak and move the left part of her face. There was no one beside her the morning it happened. No one to comfort her. Nobody there to lie to her face that it was going to be okay.
I didn't lie to her that it was going to be okay. I know it wasn't going to be.
'And'yan si ___!" I rushed over to see her, but stopped on my track when I saw her face. I said hi then ran back to my station.
I cried for about five minutes. My shawl was helping me wipe the trace of tears from my face. I felt so broken.
I managed to stop when one of my friends told me that she shouldn't see me this way. She wouldn't want to see me crying. She is very strong, and she does not want to see anybody crying over her. She doesn't show us how hurt she is, and in return, she expects us to do the same.
I'm ready for it.
You're ready, but we're not. I love you like my own sister.
It's hard to face the inevitable. Someday, I hope it won't be too soon, I will weep a million more tears for her. And unlike what I've been telling my other friend whose grandfather's life is on the line, I am not getting myself ready. I can't find the strength to do so.
"She faces the wreck of worlds, and prophesies restoration.
She faces a sky blood-red with sunset colours that deepen into darkness, and prophesies dawn.
She faces death, and prophesies life."
Wednesday, April 28
Tuesday, April 27
"Try to be like the turtle -- at ease in your own shell."
I was so happy when I learned that I got $80.00 USD for being such a good agent.
WHY? Well, our account has this cool performance-based bonus which they named 'Go for Gold'. Top agents get $100, $80, or $40 depending on their CSAT Scores every month. Before, they (the management) gives the bonus every 15th of the month. Now, they give it every 3 months. Unfortunately, I never qualified from October to January because of my crappy absenteeism rate.
However; since my TL is so nice, I managed to hit the below 7% mark so I no longer am part of the 'IF ONLY' list for the months February and March.
I was literally jumping around the floor. I WAS SO HAPPY. It feels really good to know that I am well-rewarded. Although most agents got more than I got, one even reached the maximum which is $300 for 3 months, I am still very happy. I was feeling low since last week because my pay would not be sufficient for my family's monetary needs so this $80 really is a big help. In addition to that, I am qualified for an SSS loan so I no longer need to borrow money from a lending company that charges high interest rates. :)
I was telling my friend (well, more like shaking while telling) about this when she commented 'You'll realize later on that it's only $80 [compared to the other agent's bonuses]". I feel proud of myself for not sulking and responding with 'Oo nga 'no, you're right'. That's because I programmed myself not to complain and be contented with what I have. Comparing my bonus, or whatever I have for that matter, with anybody else's will only cause envy. Envy is evil. It gets you no where but to a world full of regrets and grudges. Those two words I am trying to erase from my vocabulary.
Honestly, I don't feel bad that I only got $80.00 USD. Scratch 'only', please.
I hope my friend did not think that I was pretentious in reacting like I did not care. Because frankly, I did not care that most agents got more than I got. Do not care. Will never care. What's important is, I'll get more than my usual pay on Friday.
What difference does it make how much there is laid away in a man's safe or in his barns, how many head of stock he grazes or how much capital he puts out at interest, if he is always after what is another's and only counts what he has yet to get, never what he has already. You ask what is the proper limit to a person's wealth? First, having what is essential, and second, having what is enough. - Seneca
WHY? Well, our account has this cool performance-based bonus which they named 'Go for Gold'. Top agents get $100, $80, or $40 depending on their CSAT Scores every month. Before, they (the management) gives the bonus every 15th of the month. Now, they give it every 3 months. Unfortunately, I never qualified from October to January because of my crappy absenteeism rate.
However; since my TL is so nice, I managed to hit the below 7% mark so I no longer am part of the 'IF ONLY' list for the months February and March.
I was literally jumping around the floor. I WAS SO HAPPY. It feels really good to know that I am well-rewarded. Although most agents got more than I got, one even reached the maximum which is $300 for 3 months, I am still very happy. I was feeling low since last week because my pay would not be sufficient for my family's monetary needs so this $80 really is a big help. In addition to that, I am qualified for an SSS loan so I no longer need to borrow money from a lending company that charges high interest rates. :)
I was telling my friend (well, more like shaking while telling) about this when she commented 'You'll realize later on that it's only $80 [compared to the other agent's bonuses]". I feel proud of myself for not sulking and responding with 'Oo nga 'no, you're right'. That's because I programmed myself not to complain and be contented with what I have. Comparing my bonus, or whatever I have for that matter, with anybody else's will only cause envy. Envy is evil. It gets you no where but to a world full of regrets and grudges. Those two words I am trying to erase from my vocabulary.
Honestly, I don't feel bad that I only got $80.00 USD. Scratch 'only', please.
I hope my friend did not think that I was pretentious in reacting like I did not care. Because frankly, I did not care that most agents got more than I got. Do not care. Will never care. What's important is, I'll get more than my usual pay on Friday.
What difference does it make how much there is laid away in a man's safe or in his barns, how many head of stock he grazes or how much capital he puts out at interest, if he is always after what is another's and only counts what he has yet to get, never what he has already. You ask what is the proper limit to a person's wealth? First, having what is essential, and second, having what is enough. - Seneca
Monday, April 26
Dot Dot Dot
I changed my layout. It's as messy as the stuff swirling around my head. When I'm already feeling less tired and sleepy as I am right now, I will post a decent entry. Err.. scratch 'decent' from the last sentence. :)
Thursday, December 10
The Bond Girl
I hate it when looklet does that. I tried sending the look to my page and all it did was give me the message 'Sending look to your page'. So instead of waiting for forever, or recreating the look in the morning (it works in the morning), I would have to settle with a screen shot of my recent master piece. LOL. If only there was a way to remove that Save Look box in the middle, then it would have been perfect.When I create a new look, a story is being written in my head. Piece after piece, a dialogue is born. Once I am finished, the woman becomes another character. This one is my version of a Bond girl. I think she's cool. :)
"Au Revoir, Bond. There would be no other lifetime to meet you again. "
Tuesday, December 8
Looklet
If I had the body and the money, I'd wear this (or something close to this) to our upcoming annual Red and Black ball. Funky style!
Or maybe wear something like this everyday at work. :)
♥Keep dreaming.♥
♥Keep dreaming.♥
I am.
I am sitting here in front of my computer, contemplating on what I should do next. The bathroom rack gave up again, soap and other toiletries are laying battered on the bathroom floor. The rice cooker is empty. There are no food on the table. I am waiting for him to come home.
Days off for me usually pass by unproductively. I spend long hours trying to vent my frustrations on looklet, or floorplanner. I usually am content with that. No gimiks with friends, no coffee tambay wherever. I do have friends, yes. But I only see them when it's needed. You can barely drag my feet out of the house on my days off.
What have I become? When I was younger, my feet won't stay put inside our house. Maybe I am stomped with too much responsibilities, that a day alone became my paradise. Day after day, I have to deal with work, school, and my family. An hour, or a day alone sounds like heaven to me. However, being left alone makes me think too much. A new year is approaching, the holiday season is at its peak. The purpose of this entry is to make something out of my little self - a list of my new year's resolution.
1. To start off - I WILL BE productive on my days off. But how?
2. I will only bring enough money when I leave the house. I could burn Php500 on one regular day, and that is ridiculous for me. I need discipline on handling our money.
3. Do not put off anything I should do. Haste makes waste. I may be good at cramming but it blows my mind off. Ugh.
4. BE SURE TO WAKE UP TO THE SOUND OF THE ALARM. I can't recall how many times I wrote this on the FA sheet, always starting with the phrase I PROMISE. It gets broken all the time.
5. Be MORE patient in dealing with people. People. In general.
6. Be less vain. As I have been for the past few months.
7. Care less. Be less sensitive. Deal with issues appropriately.
8. Break it off. :)
9. Stop avoiding people and conflicts with people.
10. Say NO.
Ehem.
Everything's possible when you're determined to do it. It's about finding and holding on to the reason why I should do it. Right now, I feel like I'm a big ad for Nike - Just do it. Sigh.
*And yeah, this entry is not very cohesive. Psh.
Days off for me usually pass by unproductively. I spend long hours trying to vent my frustrations on looklet, or floorplanner. I usually am content with that. No gimiks with friends, no coffee tambay wherever. I do have friends, yes. But I only see them when it's needed. You can barely drag my feet out of the house on my days off.
What have I become? When I was younger, my feet won't stay put inside our house. Maybe I am stomped with too much responsibilities, that a day alone became my paradise. Day after day, I have to deal with work, school, and my family. An hour, or a day alone sounds like heaven to me. However, being left alone makes me think too much. A new year is approaching, the holiday season is at its peak. The purpose of this entry is to make something out of my little self - a list of my new year's resolution.
1. To start off - I WILL BE productive on my days off. But how?
2. I will only bring enough money when I leave the house. I could burn Php500 on one regular day, and that is ridiculous for me. I need discipline on handling our money.
3. Do not put off anything I should do. Haste makes waste. I may be good at cramming but it blows my mind off. Ugh.
4. BE SURE TO WAKE UP TO THE SOUND OF THE ALARM. I can't recall how many times I wrote this on the FA sheet, always starting with the phrase I PROMISE. It gets broken all the time.
5. Be MORE patient in dealing with people. People. In general.
6. Be less vain. As I have been for the past few months.
7. Care less. Be less sensitive. Deal with issues appropriately.
8. Break it off. :)
9. Stop avoiding people and conflicts with people.
10. Say NO.
Ehem.
Everything's possible when you're determined to do it. It's about finding and holding on to the reason why I should do it. Right now, I feel like I'm a big ad for Nike - Just do it. Sigh.
*And yeah, this entry is not very cohesive. Psh.
Pain Galore
I was on a tricycle on my way home last night and I was crying. I asked myself 'When was the last time I cried because of too much physical pain?'
Truth is, I couldn't remember. Even when I was experiencing labor pains, all I did was curse. I grew up experiencing physical pain almost everyday from my mother's beating, and that made my pain tolerance high. Last night was torture beyond compare, the bones in my back felt like it were twisting, there was a mass inside my stomach that felt like a huge bomb wanting to explode so badly. I got home, rushed to the comfort room and released what I had to release. I thought I was going to be okay, turned out it was only a prelude to a worse kind of pain. I vomited everything that was in my stomach - my lunch, my afternoon snack, everything. I saw bits of the penoy I ate before going to school, some squash, some lechon paksiw, and even the soda I drank, I tasted it coming out of my mouth. After throwing up, a bigger mass built up inside of me, and that was it - Welcome to hell.
It was a familiar pain. Friday last week, I experienced it at around 1 o'clock in the morning. I tried to sleep through it, but it lasted until morning. It was not easy, I was jerking and trying to find a comfortable position and I failed. Every 20 minutes, I will wake up from unbearable pain. I never left for school that day, but I surprisingly got better that afternoon. I also vomited, but I managed to eat in the morning. Last night, however, my body was rejecting food which was very unusual. It never happened before, even when I was od'd, or when I had UTI, or when I had an accute viral infection after I gave birth (binat), or even when I was suffering from severe tonsilitis that had me go through an operation. Food is my ultimate glory, not even a severe sickness could make me stay away from eating. So last night was a first, a very unfortunate exception.
My partner tried to ease the pain by rubbing eficascent oil on my back and belly - to no avail. I tried to sleep through it, thinking that like before, the pain will go away. It didn't. I tried sleeping on the couch, on the floor, and tried several body positions but the pain remained. The pain started at around 3:45 pm, and at around 8:30, I gave up. I asked my partner to bring me to the hospital because I swear, I was thinking of dying on the spot only to be free from that agony. I took a bath, and waited for my partner to finish taking his, and while waiting I was almost screaming 'ayoko na'. Nakakahiya man marinig ng kasambahay namin, but that's how tormented I was.
On the way to the hospital, I thought of the possible reasons for the pain - kidney failure, lamig, lung something. I was open to a number of possibilities, and I was preparing myself to spend the night in a cold room at the hospital. When I got to the Emergency Room, the doctor asked me to give her a urine sample and then she poked different areas in my belly. Afterwards, the nurse injected Buscopan and pain killer in my system.
My partner stood beside me, holding my hand all throughout. I felt bad for him, he was scheduled for an interview for a higher position that night but had to let it pass because of me. Although it looked like he was not worried and was only happy for any reason to get him out of work for a day, he stayed and remained calm and patient. We were both waiting for the pain to subside, and after a few minutes, I felt drowsy. Pampatulog ata 'yung sinaksak sa 'kin. I managed to sleep for a good 45 minutes, with my right leg resting on my left knee. The pain was almost gone, or so I thought. A nurse woke me up from my almost peaceful slumber, and asked me if I the pain were gone. I sat up, nakiramdam ng konti, and said 'Opo, parang wala na'.
After one minute, it striked again. I told the doctor about it, but she only told me that I needed to induce pain killer in my system to make it go away. Apparently, it was only muscoskeletal pain because my urine was clean and free from whatever. My partner and I looked at each other and we were both puzzled. That was it? I am still suffering, and they did no more test, they only went about with their business and completely ignored us after. My partner asked the doctor what else can we do, and she just said that if the pain killer she provided didn't work, then go take another kind of pain killer. The one she gave us should do the trick na daw. I was so pissed, I walked out of the ER thinking I'd get a second opinion tomorrow.
Well, I always trusted doctors' judgments. I rarely doubt them, and I do whatever it is they advise. So, I took the pill, it worked and I was able to sleep that night. My mom, failing to receive my text message, still went to the hospital to check on me. Too late though, we were already home. I was already half-asleep when I heard her voice outside of our room, too bad I don't have enough strength to stand up and explain to her what happened. She brought food for me and my partner, and I heard that she was willing to stay overnight for me if I were admitted to the hospital. I'm thankful for her love and concern, and I'm going to quote Kris's statements 'I always felt that I was mom's favorite'. LOL.
I was not able to get a second opinion, as planned, but am planning to visit a physical therapist tomorrow. Right now, I'm good with the pain killer ready once this first wave of pain I'm feeling gets worse. There are so many mysteries inside my body, too bad there's no solid reason for its existence. I remember my ovarian cancer-scare, after going through transvaginal ultrasound and the works, it turned out I was only experiencing ___ (it's at the tip of my tongue). They said psychosomatic lang 'to, but I think it's better to face the possible consequences instead of being surprised with a taning. So hopefully, I'd feel better tomorrow, and I wish that I no longer experience what I went through last night. I'd schedule a doctor's appointment first thing in the morning. :)
Truth is, I couldn't remember. Even when I was experiencing labor pains, all I did was curse. I grew up experiencing physical pain almost everyday from my mother's beating, and that made my pain tolerance high. Last night was torture beyond compare, the bones in my back felt like it were twisting, there was a mass inside my stomach that felt like a huge bomb wanting to explode so badly. I got home, rushed to the comfort room and released what I had to release. I thought I was going to be okay, turned out it was only a prelude to a worse kind of pain. I vomited everything that was in my stomach - my lunch, my afternoon snack, everything. I saw bits of the penoy I ate before going to school, some squash, some lechon paksiw, and even the soda I drank, I tasted it coming out of my mouth. After throwing up, a bigger mass built up inside of me, and that was it - Welcome to hell.
It was a familiar pain. Friday last week, I experienced it at around 1 o'clock in the morning. I tried to sleep through it, but it lasted until morning. It was not easy, I was jerking and trying to find a comfortable position and I failed. Every 20 minutes, I will wake up from unbearable pain. I never left for school that day, but I surprisingly got better that afternoon. I also vomited, but I managed to eat in the morning. Last night, however, my body was rejecting food which was very unusual. It never happened before, even when I was od'd, or when I had UTI, or when I had an accute viral infection after I gave birth (binat), or even when I was suffering from severe tonsilitis that had me go through an operation. Food is my ultimate glory, not even a severe sickness could make me stay away from eating. So last night was a first, a very unfortunate exception.
My partner tried to ease the pain by rubbing eficascent oil on my back and belly - to no avail. I tried to sleep through it, thinking that like before, the pain will go away. It didn't. I tried sleeping on the couch, on the floor, and tried several body positions but the pain remained. The pain started at around 3:45 pm, and at around 8:30, I gave up. I asked my partner to bring me to the hospital because I swear, I was thinking of dying on the spot only to be free from that agony. I took a bath, and waited for my partner to finish taking his, and while waiting I was almost screaming 'ayoko na'. Nakakahiya man marinig ng kasambahay namin, but that's how tormented I was.
On the way to the hospital, I thought of the possible reasons for the pain - kidney failure, lamig, lung something. I was open to a number of possibilities, and I was preparing myself to spend the night in a cold room at the hospital. When I got to the Emergency Room, the doctor asked me to give her a urine sample and then she poked different areas in my belly. Afterwards, the nurse injected Buscopan and pain killer in my system.
My partner stood beside me, holding my hand all throughout. I felt bad for him, he was scheduled for an interview for a higher position that night but had to let it pass because of me. Although it looked like he was not worried and was only happy for any reason to get him out of work for a day, he stayed and remained calm and patient. We were both waiting for the pain to subside, and after a few minutes, I felt drowsy. Pampatulog ata 'yung sinaksak sa 'kin. I managed to sleep for a good 45 minutes, with my right leg resting on my left knee. The pain was almost gone, or so I thought. A nurse woke me up from my almost peaceful slumber, and asked me if I the pain were gone. I sat up, nakiramdam ng konti, and said 'Opo, parang wala na'.
After one minute, it striked again. I told the doctor about it, but she only told me that I needed to induce pain killer in my system to make it go away. Apparently, it was only muscoskeletal pain because my urine was clean and free from whatever. My partner and I looked at each other and we were both puzzled. That was it? I am still suffering, and they did no more test, they only went about with their business and completely ignored us after. My partner asked the doctor what else can we do, and she just said that if the pain killer she provided didn't work, then go take another kind of pain killer. The one she gave us should do the trick na daw. I was so pissed, I walked out of the ER thinking I'd get a second opinion tomorrow.
Well, I always trusted doctors' judgments. I rarely doubt them, and I do whatever it is they advise. So, I took the pill, it worked and I was able to sleep that night. My mom, failing to receive my text message, still went to the hospital to check on me. Too late though, we were already home. I was already half-asleep when I heard her voice outside of our room, too bad I don't have enough strength to stand up and explain to her what happened. She brought food for me and my partner, and I heard that she was willing to stay overnight for me if I were admitted to the hospital. I'm thankful for her love and concern, and I'm going to quote Kris's statements 'I always felt that I was mom's favorite'. LOL.
I was not able to get a second opinion, as planned, but am planning to visit a physical therapist tomorrow. Right now, I'm good with the pain killer ready once this first wave of pain I'm feeling gets worse. There are so many mysteries inside my body, too bad there's no solid reason for its existence. I remember my ovarian cancer-scare, after going through transvaginal ultrasound and the works, it turned out I was only experiencing ___ (it's at the tip of my tongue). They said psychosomatic lang 'to, but I think it's better to face the possible consequences instead of being surprised with a taning. So hopefully, I'd feel better tomorrow, and I wish that I no longer experience what I went through last night. I'd schedule a doctor's appointment first thing in the morning. :)
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