I owe my blog an entry Part 1: E

It is depressing to realize how things worked out for me. How sad it is that I am now sitting on the floor, facing my laptop and pathetically trying to create an entry for my blog, while painfully remembering the important details of my February, March, April, and May.


February
As documented in the previous entry, we (E and I) tried to win each other back. We were going back and forth with this ‘I want you back’ scenario and I ended up losing that tug-of-war. Yes, I was the last one who said I wanted him back. And he was the last one who said NO, with all the angst and bitterness in his heart.

March
Mid-march, he left our home. He left without saying that he would. I went home after a tiring day at the grocery store to find that half of his stuff was gone, including J’s backpack. I did not know where he went, I panicked and I was dead worried about him. Little did I know, he was perfectly fine being taken care of by another girl—the girl from the third floor of our apartelle who just moved out a month ago.

I moved out of our apartment two weeks after that. A few days before I moved out, I heard through the grapevine that he was seeing somebody else—even when he was still with me. Little by little, I discovered that he and the girl had been fucking each other since November (or maybe even earlier than that, I’m not so sure anymore). At our own apartment. Yup, even when he was trying to win me back, he was fucking that girl. I confronted him through text, he carefully answered one question at a time. We had a little argument but in the end, he apologized.

He apologized for everything—for not being a suitable partner to me and a father to my son. He wanted me to tell our son that he was unfit to be his father. He also said that he will no longer extort anything from anyone and that the next time I see him, he would be a different person. He thanked me for everything. Lastly, he told me that he was sorry he wasn’t able to give me the happiness I deserve.

April
I thought he would still provide for my son. He stopped after a mere one thousand. I’m not after any monetary assistance though. In the end, I just want him to still be a father to my son.
Too bad, he no longer is a father to my son. He walked out completely. He stopped communicating; he cut off any form of communication with us.

May
I don’t know how he is now. I don’t know what he does anymore. I wanted him to still bond with our son because I can’t take that away from Aki; I don’t want our son to blame me for growing up without his biological father. I actually thought that E would not do this to his own son. But I guess he patterned his life out of his past. His father walked out of his life, so he walked out of his own son’s life.

I still worry about him. I still think about him every once in a while. I still genuinely hope that he’s doing great, that he’s eating well and not getting sick. I no longer cry because of him; I think I’m already through with that. I suffered a month or two crying my eyes out because of our failed relationship. No more of that now. I’m actually surprised about how easy it was for me to move on, although I know that I haven’t done that completely. Maybe I learned to develop a little anger from what he did and I learned not to hold on to our sappy memories anymore.

Tonight, I searched for him through my mom’s FB page since they’re still friends and he blocked me on FB. When I typed his name on the search field, I saw that he changed his profile picture. I clicked on his name on the drop down thingy; it took a while to load so instead, I went to my mom’s page and searched for his page on my mom’s friends’ list.

It’s no longer there.

Maybe he was logged in at that time; he either blocked my mom on FB as well or he closed down his FB account altogether.

So I was not able to check on him. Last resort, I checked his girlfriend’s page. Oops, no longer his girlfriend.

She’s now his wife.

That’s why I’m sulking for not having that one thing I wish I had right now—a monogamous relationship that will eventually lead to marriage.

Maybe I’ll have that someday. Maybe not. So I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what fate has in store for me. For now, I’ll just have to be happy with the pretentious relationship I have with J. I know I shouldn’t resort to this but I am in love with him. Sometimes to get what we want the most, we have to do what we want the least. And trust me, the least I wanted to be is a ----

...

No more words for now. If you had a gun with you the next time we see each other, feel free to shoot me.

*bleep

Just when I thought I had it figured out, just when I thought I was damn sure of what path I'd take, you showed me how vulnerable you really are.

I had a clear plan - leave you, be happy with him, move forward. I did not anticipate that in between steps one and two, you'd realize my worth. What happened to the wall you built around you, guarding you from any form of emotional breakdown? I thought that in all these years I've attempted to break that wall, it would never fall down and crumble.

Yet now, why all of a sudden, it did.

Now that I am finally beginning to realize that I deserve a better life with a better man. A better future with a better hope of a romantic relationship that would never die down.

Why, after all this time, did you suddenly show me that your tear glands actually work? That these glands aren't merely there. Why press your palm against your chest to indicate how painful all this is for you?

Why tell me that you know now that there's no one better for you, that there's nobody in this world who you could love the way you do me, that there's no other woman you could imagine growing old with?

If only you told me all these three months ago then all of these couldn't have happened. Then again, I could still be very frustrated trying to survive the "one-way" relationship (or so I thought) that we had.

.

Last night, when I walked away from you, I remembered a similar scenario that happened months ago. Six months to be exact. You were close to tearing up, I was having a hard time breathing from crying too much, we were hugging each other like it would be the last time we would have to do that. Because we felt that at that moment, we've reached the end of us. At that moment, we wanted to feel each other's warmth for the last time, let the love we had for each other flow. I cannot put into words how painful it is to realize that a love so strong can weaken in time...

Six months ago, you were about to leave me for someone else. This time, I am about to leave you. For someone else.

This isn't vengeance. This is the universe conspiring with me to help me achieve what I've been hoping for.

The sad part is, now I have to choose. And no matter who I choose, I will break someone's heart to pieces.

...

If you were in my situation, what would you do? Go.

WPL,S!

When the world suddenly stopped turning and all you can hear is your heartbeat, you lose all sense of self-control. You say the things you did not imagine would come out of your mouth. Your eyes focus on one thing (or person) and the rest blurs in the background. You bite your tongue while in the process of composing a sentence worthy enough to be heard. Overrated butterflies in your stomach flutter their wings endlessly. You feel your knees wobble. You find that there is no balance in this world as you see yourself falling. HARD.

I wish I could be on top of a mountain, enjoying a scenic view. Or floating in a vast sea somewhere. All I want to hear right now is either the swaying of the leaves in a hundred trees or the dancing waves in the ocean. I am tired of hearing my conscience. Yes, hearing. Not listening to. Once again, I became impulsive. The zombies ate my brain. Hence; my brain is no longer functioning. I act foolishly. I defied them.

Still, thank you. To Aphrodite who messed up my serious plan of straightening out my fucked up life, I summon Dionysus' wine and raise my glass to Olympus.

FUCK YEAH.

UP TOP!

I can think of a million different ways to start my story, a million different words and comparisons to express the gravity of the situation, but only one way to end it.

***

I told my good friend that July was the month of lies for us. It was a serious joke: Did you lie? D'you lie? July? The answer was always YES. July was a month of uncovering the truths behind the series of hurtful lies, unmasking the different faces of deceit and pretensions, revealing the hidden secrets that crushed not only one person, but three. Two victims and a suspect as other may perceive it. But I see it differently, three victims, and the whole universe to blame. We were all victims in the torments and chaos that the universe constrained us in.

***

I told myself before that once it happens, I will be well-prepared, that would be the last straw and the last reason for me to let go. And then it happened. I crossed the river when I got there. It was a complete 360 degree turn, all that was lost came back. All the love that I did not feel for almost a year, I felt it again. All the expectations I had were lost, it was all replaced by one major thing: I wish for you to love me again. The patience, kindness, and martyrdom I never thought I had all came out and molded me into this. It was never okay, but I was very optimistic, I managed to find the positive light always. All because I love you. I love us.

***

Is it too much pain that made me go numb? Or too much love that made me too forgiving? I am unsure. What I know is I am always wanting to be at home, with you and our kid. I always want to trace the outlines of your skin, feel the warmth of your lips, and brush my fingers through your hair. (They said if you're not willing to sound corny, you're not prepared to fall in love so there.. I sound so cheesy). I want more time with you always, to show you how much I've changed since. And I want to know what you want, in return.

***

I am being selfless. What we have now seems like a one-sided love affair. You don't reciprocate my endearment, you don't verbalize what you feel unlike me. If I were to rely on your actions, I will be completely assuming. Our friend asked me what I thought about your decision. I said it's either he's nowhere to run and has no other choice OR he's trying to fix us just like what I'm doing. I do prefer the latter, but I can't help but think that the first one is dominant. Although there is a certain warmth in your eyes that I see these days, that I am re-discovering the lost you from the way you yearn for me, I am still setting my expectations to a level that I know would not fail me too much. Setting expectations is what ruined me, us, and I wouldn't want that again. For now, I am content with the fact that you stayed, whole-heartedly or not. You stayed for all the right reasons, but I'm not sure if you're truly happy. Still, I am counting on your words: LET'S MAKE IT WORK. Yes. Let's do that.

***

Nawawalan na ng sense 'tong post ko. Ang iniisip ko 'pag nagsulat ako about this, touching and heartfelt ang kalalabasan. But due to the nuisance behind me, I find it impossible to create a less nauseating entry. Siguro, sa susunod na. When the world calms down and my stomach is at peace. Haay.

***

Don't ask how I am, you already know. I'm doing great. I'M AWESOME. Btw, the end that I was talking about in the first paragraph is this - Legen --- wait for it --- dary. Yes, I still have HIMYM hangover. I need an intervention, seriously. Can't wait for Season 6 to be aired in September...

Tonight I can write the saddest lines... but couldn't.

"It's a boy? It's a boy... It's a boy!"

I held his hand while he was hearing the news from his wife who is a thousand miles away from him. I told him to let it flow, tears aren't meant to hold back. It was a beautiful scene. A father to be. A proud father to be.

I let go of his hand after the conversation. I am happy for him but I couldn't help but feel nostalgic.

***

The scene took me back to April of 2007. I can still see the wide smile that flashed across his face as soon as the radiologist told us the gender of our baby.

A boy. A healthy baby boy.

I started wondering how come my life became as imperfect as it is right now. Three years ago, our family's income could barely keep us alive but, I was happy. Right now, I'm stuck with more financial problems and on top of that, my relationship with him is gradually falling apart.

The answer came to me easily. My life is as imperfect as it is because I willed it to be.

Someday, I will be in a better position. I am certain that I will hurdle over this. These walls I built to guard me against total emotional wreck will go down, I will find somebody who will help me revamp myself. That somebody will help me reunite with the romantic side of me and I will no longer be afraid of rejections.

***

I tried picturing that "somebody" a million times in my head. For a totally obvious reason, I cannot see somebody else portraying that part but you.

I wish we could go back to how things were before. Back to the time when every bad thing fades in the background and our hearts and minds were focused on the positive things that keep us going.

I miss you. I miss the "old you", the one who wrote Itadakimasu on a post-it you placed on top of a meal you prepared.

***

Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example,'The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance.' The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. Through nights like this one I held her in my arms I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is shattered and she is not with me. This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. My sight searches for her as though to go to her. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same. I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing. Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before. Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes. I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long. Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her. Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her. -Pablo Neruda

Mad Girl’s Love Song

Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

---

I was looking for a challenging declamation piece this morning when I came across this site which featured the piece above.

The month of June had been cruel to me. I went through a series of heartbreaks, two of which tested my sanity.

For the most recent heartbreak which I am hoping would be the last for this month or for this year (whatever), I dedicate the piece above. Soon, I would be creating an original entry for that but because my stomach is being very cooperative today (I love sarcasms), I would have to make do with Plath's work for now.

Memento.

"I tried calling your number... It wasn't working?"

That was your last message to me. Exactly twelve hours after that, I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror. My vision was clouded. Her voice was echoing inside my head. The need to feel giddy and dress up for the upcoming office party was gone. I could hear nothing else in the small room but the sound of my own little screams.

I completely forgot that my son was on the bed, staring at me innocently.

"What's wrong, Nanay? Why sad?"

"Nothing, baby... It was nothing..."

"Happy na!" Then he flashed his widest smile at me. I know that was supposed to take away even the slightest pain but to my surprise, it didn't. This was different. This never happened to me before.

Everything after that passed by in a flash. All I could remember was I was crying in the rain while sitting on a familiar spot at the fifth floor constantly calling out your name, hopelessly begging for you to hold me. Then I was crying in my station, re-reading all the messages you sent that I managed to save. I was also crying during my lunch break, while listening to the song "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright (which my friend told me was a song played on your favorite series, House). I also cried hard when I spoke to a friend of ours, I told her that I couldn't bear looking at a lifeless you. It was a series of crying that lasted for a whole weekend. I know I didn't manage to smile genuinely even for a second.

I am completely aware that what we had is nothing compared with what you had with M and A. Maybe I'm just a little speck of dust in your life, I'm not sure. What hurts a lot is that's not how you made me feel. For more than two years, you were a consistent confidence-booster, friend, and a heartbreaker. I almost got tired of it but you kept coming back and I was stupid enough to always take you back. The relationship we shared was never strongly defined, we talked about it a million times but we kept going around in circles. In the end, we found that it's better to let things stay as it were, no beginnings and break-ups. It was always "How have you been? I missed you so much".

That's the sad part though. There is always that feeling of being held back. I always get to the point where I stand between the thin line of expecting you to stay or being open enough to the possibility of you leaving again anytime soon. Then when the latter happens, which was the usual case, I am always left wondering how long will it take for you to send me another message . This time, I'm certain that my last message will be left unanswered.

"Thank you for making me feel appreciated, beautiful, and special. I love you XXX, goodbye."

I almost wished at one point that we were really "together". Because if we were, I know we could have broken up eons ago then it wouldn't hurt this bad. I wouldn't be wishing every night (or day) before I go to sleep that you'd come to me in my dreams. I wouldn't be going out with that loser to temporarily mask the pain. I wouldn't be going to your house for the first and last time, hesitantly looking your wife in the eye trying to find myself in her somehow. I wouldn't be staring at your picture every other minute in the office, remembering how wonderful it was that you were with me.

I also wouldn't be wondering how death works, if by now you were standing in line with the rest of the souls in the Fields of Asphodel, or merrily wandering in a beautiful world as in Lovely Bones, or playing with the angels as one of your friends mentioned. I can only wish that you are in a better place now, no more dreadful bosses, stressful commute, and all the things you dislike. No more travelling to "hell and back", no more of that.

I terribly, terribly miss you. Fighting back my tears is no longer needed, I think my tear glands malfunctioned yesterday. I am looking forward to the day that I will ask how have you been again.




---

Crappy vid.