It only takes one look to forget.

In the stillness of the night, I tried remembering my frustrations from the past. Things that couldn't make me happy and contented. I had almost everything--a decent place, complete set of appliances, two bedrooms (one for us and the other for our son), a nanny, a job. All I needed to do was keep it together, stay focused on our li'l family.

Just like him, I couldn't. I was the one who gave up. And like a betrayal, my mind can't show me the details why I gave up.

I'd like to think that it was because I forgave and moved on without regrets or grudge. Most importantly, I am happier now. I can't even remember the feeling of frustration, how once upon a time, it pushed me into smacking my head against the wall every night (or day.) The closest I get to feeling pain nowadays is the throbbing of my head or my throat. Minor physical pains that can easily be remedied. For that, I am thankful.

He listens to me, asks me how my day was, and doesn't forget to put the night light on before leaving for work. He comes home, immediately puts his things down to sit beside me and share whatever meal I made for the day. He'd always praise my cooking.

He sleeps silently while I lay beside him wondering how I got so lucky.

Then I remember, I was thinking about my frustrations.. One look at him and then I forget I was doing so.

Yours and proud.

I love you, for the many things you do and don't do.

For the times I speak and make no sense, or when I make too much sense and you counteract my reasons.

Even then, you let me see your logic. When there's none, I let you see mine and you silently but purposefully oblige.

When people fail me, you offer encouraging words, lifting my spirits up even when I least need it.

You make it known that you stand by my side, no matter what.

When I receive harsh words, you replace them with sweet ones.

Even ones that don't relate but still makes me smile.

You make me forget that I'm lonely, when I am. Or mad, when I'm really just disappointed.

You hug me tight, run your fingers through my hair, and lay a kiss on my forehead so gentle, so full of respect...

Those kisses melt my heart every time.

Can I imagine someone loving me as much as you do? As beautiful and unconditional as the love you offer?

How can I not be proud of a love like that? How can I not boast of a love so pure yet so strong?

Your love, that I reciprocate in many ways that I can.

To satisfying your belly to enriching your mind...

To giving you compliments and the appreciation you deserve...

Tell me now, how lucky have I become? I must have been Ghandi in my past life to deserve someone like you. No, just you.

I love you more than I have ever loved someone else before. And maybe you feel the same way as I can't imagine a greater love you can offer.

A love like yours, your love, I proudly call mine in this lifetime.

Wala itong title. Dahil mahina ako sa pagbibigay ng titles.

Pareho tayong nakatingin sa kawalan, habang nakaupo sa may liwasan, nasa kaliwang dulo ako ng upuan at ikaw naman, nasa dulong kanan.

Kaunting distansya pero ramdam ko ang layo mo. Para kang nasa kabilang mundo. Wala tayong lakas para magsimula ng usapan, para hawakan ang isa't isa.

Nangingilid na ang luha ko. May mga salitang gusto nang pakawalan ang bibig ko pero nananatiling itong sarado. Nilalamon ako ng emosyon, nawawalan ng klaro ang isipan. Dapat ba kitang sumbatan? Dapat ba kitang sisihin? O dapat ba akong magmakaawa?

"Wala ka bang sasabihin?" tanong mo, sabay tayo sa iyong kinauupuan. May galit at awa sa mga mata mo. Gustong gusto kong malaman kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isipan mo. Sa bawat pagtitig mo sa akin, unti-unti akong natutunaw.

"Bakit..." Pagsisimula ko, at naputol ito ng marahang paghikbi.

"Hindi na 'to maaayos. Wala na tayong magagawa. Tapos na. May sasabihin ka pa?"

Iling ang isinagot ko sa'yo. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang sabihin, na pigilan kang 'wag umalis. Na '

wag kang lumayo. Na ang bawat paghakbang mo palayo sa akin ay ikamamatay ko.

Nakakailang hakbang ka pa lang nang tumayo ako para yakapin ka nang patalikod. Sumabog na ang luha, malakas na paghikbi, habang sinasabi ko sayo'ng mahal na mahal kita...

Marahas mong tinanggal ang pagkakakapit ng mga kamay ko sa 'yong bisig. Humarap ka sa 'kin at bahagyang tinulak ako palayo.

"Ayoko na, please lang. Nakipagkita lang ako sa'yo para pormal nang tapusin ang lahat! 'Wag ka nang maghabol! Tignan mo nga ang sarili mo, para kang tutang nagmamakaawa! Respetuhin mo, kahit konti, ang sarili mo. Ang desisyon ko!"

Dumilim ang langit. Nagbabadya ang ulan. Mukhang malakas, saktong sasabayan ang agos ng aking pagluha. Ang pagyanig ng aking mundo. Ang unti-unting pagguho ng lahat ng pinanghawakan ko, lahat upang manatili kang akin.

"Buntis ako... Dalawang buwan na ang bata..."

"Aakuin ko. Magpapadala ako ng sustento."

"Pero ikaw... Ikaw ang kailangan ko. Namin!"

Nakita ko ang pagtigas ng panga mo. Galit at hindi awa o pagmamahal ang reaksyon mo, di gaya nang inaasahan ko.

"Hindi na nga pwede diba? Ano pa bang hindi klaro sa'yo?!"

"Hindi ko maintindihan kung paanong siya ang pinili mo at hindi ako!"

Bumuhos na ang ulan. Malakas at malalaki ang mga patak ngunit hindi ko halos maramdaman. Dinaig ng emosyonal na sakit, minanhid nito, ang kahit anong pisikal na sensasyon. Kahit ang pangangatog ng katawan kong pilit nilalabanan ang panghihina ay di ko pansin.

Sa malakas ng buhos na ulan, rinig ko ang marahan mong yapak. Palayo. Sa akin, sa ating anak.

Bago pa man nilamon ng ulan ang pandinig ko, habang ang mata ko'y marahang pumipikit upang 'di makita ang iyong paglayo, ay narinig ko ang mga huling salitang iyong sinambit.

At ito'y paulit-ulit na sumisigaw sa utak ko. Sa puso ko, sa buo kong pagkatao. Sapat upang mapaluhod ako sa basang semento.

"Humanap ka na nang masisilungan, baka kung mapa'no pa kayo ng bata.

Babalik na 'ko kay Anton."

Carpe diem!

Holding back my emotions is my weakness. No matter how I try not to breakdown, I almost always do. There were tears but words were trapped. There were just emotions, no words.

I know now that I didn't have to die to know who cares.

When I was first starting with ePer, my world was full of pretensions, fake people, and frustrations. I was about to believe that the industry does not hold people who are true to themselves. Everything was about getting ahead of others. Puro hambog, puro pasikatan, puro plastik. Puro pambababae, panlalalaki, paninira, walang tunay na samahan. I felt that there were no one I can lean on to, someone I can open up to without being judged. It was a hell I'd have to deal with. There were a few who were real but had to be fake to survive.

Then I met the people who changed my perception of the call center life. It started with the ROW peeps, then the last bunch of people I've had the pleasure to work with--my JaiHo peeps. I gradually turned from a monster to a human being. I owe it to the people who taught me a few valuable lessons in life such as---

- It's okay to have less. Be content with what you have. Material things don't define a person, those are things that eventually break and had to be disposed of. What is essential is invisible to the eye. I knew that even before but it didn't really sink in. It's okay to wear the same shirt every week, to not have a cool phone, to not drink an overpriced coffee, to not go on gimmicks on your days off. It's perfectly okay, it's better, to be simple and humble instead of being in debt all the time for wanting too much that you can't afford.

- Don't judge. It only shows that you're insecure and that you are envious. There's nothing wrong with being happy for someone else. We all have flaws, we all aren't perfect, so who are we to judge? Unless the person's a really fucked up bitch or an asshole. Char.

- To err is human. We all have our area of expertise, we all are quipped with better knowledge of a thing or two compared to other people. Not knowing something doesn't mean you're stupid. We just have to be patient and open to learning and sharing what we know, without being such a smart ass.

- Laugh often. Jokes are meant to be funny, walang personalan. Ang mapikon, talo. Embrace your flaws and when you get laughed at because of that, be fine with it. At least it makes people happy :-)

- Listen. Intently. Learn to empathize. Learn from other people. Nakakagaan ng loob ang sharing. Mas nakakakagaan ng loob na alam mong may nakikinig sa'yo.

- Don't take life too seriously. We all have our moments, you can cry or shout or be pissed off when something bad happens but eventually, you have to accept it and move on. Turn the negative things into positive things; remember that things happen for a reason. There's always something better in store for you.

- Love without regrets and expectations but don't give your all. Make room for yourself. You have to love yourself before you get to love another.

- Appreciate who and what you have. Enough said.

- Hugs are instant medicines to heartbreaks. :-)

- Be there for each other. Always have each other's backs. When you're down, you're sure that there will be someone to pick you up.

- Don't hold grudges. Give chances. Good karma is waiting for you.

At marami pang iba. Maybe I just can't enumerate them all. But for sure, words aren't enough to let these people know how thankful I am because of them. My family, my brothers and sisters from different mothers and fathers. I will miss you all.

I owe my blog an entry Part 2: J

Oh yes, I am aware that the logical and smart thing to do would be to leave him. I know how it feels to be betrayed and cheated on so I should not do this to another woman. Trust me, I do know that!

But can you blame me? He promised to leave me for her. He said that he is just waiting for that perfect timing and that she’s not an animal that you can leave just like that. I was holding on to that promise!

I love him. He is what I expected him to be; just a little tweak and he’d be perfect for me. He’s sweet in his own ways; he may be corny at times but he makes me laugh which is very important. He listens intently to what I’m saying; he does not cut me off or tells me that what I’m saying means nothing to him—even if it really is none of his concern. When he touches, kisses, or hugs me, I feel the sincerity and love. When I lay my head on his chest, it feels like home and I never want to pull away. He’s protective of me, he’s jealous, and he’s in pain because of my past. His words may be harsh when he’s mad, a little immature at times but when I do get his point, I just scratch my head and say to myself ‘He’s damn right’.

He makes me want to be a better person. I never had an attendance infraction since we became together, I now work more diligently and with more integrity, and I became more responsible and proactive with my job. I now ignore other guys (not like there’s a lot); I’m just saying that I no longer get that feeling that I want to flirt with other guys still. That part’s a little funny and it may cause some people to raise their eyebrows but it’s true. I learned to control my temper, manage my time, and be a better friend to everyone. I no longer get crazily drunk or high. On top of all that, I just quit smoking because he told me to.

One of the determining factors of my being in love with him tremendously is that he is also in love with my son. I know that it’s not just for show; given his age he now wants to raise his own child. Since he doesn’t have one yet, he pours his frustration to be a dad out to my son which is a good thing. He’s adorable, trying to be a father and all. Plus, my son adores him too. It’s wonderful to watch them bond, play, and feed each other French fries.

I know that in order to realize how hard it is for me to leave him, you would have to be in my position. I did try to leave him, many times. I can’t tell you exactly how many times I told him that I’m walking away. I could not do it. I would always take him back.

The biggest fight we had was after our beach trip. We did not talk for a whole shift. I really thought that that was the end of us, that I was strong enough for our break up. After shift, we sat and talked for close to an hour; half the time was spent on crying. I blamed him for allowing all this to happen, for not leaving the other girl as he promised. I begged him for a reason and he told me the truth—he was about to leave her but he realized that he loved us equally he would rather leave us both than choose one over the other. I don’t know how that’s possible or even if that were true but it hurts like hell. I wasn’t enough after all, I was not able to give him enough reasons to leave her.

When he said that he did not know what to do at that point, I told him that I’d decide for him. I told him that I’ll just leave since I am the intruder in the first place. He cried; he showed me that he did not want me to go. I stood my ground and held on to my decision; I knew I had to sacrifice my feelings, again, so that things would be better for all party involved. He got my point and accepted my decision.

And so we bade goodbye and for the first time, I rode the jeepney alone on the way home.

I was holding back my tears all the way home. When I finally reached my room, I cried hard. I felt like I wanted to disappear. I couldn’t breathe properly; my chest felt like it was about to explode. I couldn’t think or talk straight. In short, I realized that I can’t lose him. No way. Even if it means that I have to live with the fact that he may not leave the other girl at all. I would rather go through the pain of knowing that I no longer have his promise than be without him. The fear of losing him suddenly became unbearable.

And so we got back together that same day—I went to UP to meet him and told him the last three sentences of the previous paragraph.

After that episode, I stopped looking forward to a future with him. I no longer speak of anything that relates to moving in together, marriage, kids, goals and all that family shit. Plus, I learned how to pretend. I blocked any thought of the other girl’s existence just ‘cause it hurts too much. I managed to distract myself every time something will remind me of her existence. He’s happy with that, he’s now less stressed because I no longer nag him about moving out or about his relationship with her. We’re happy living a lie. There are more laughter and sweet moments than ever before.

Someday, one of us will walk away. This will end; someone has to get tired since this cannot go on forever. I have never lived with too much uncertainties ‘til now and truth is, it’s draining the life out of me. Maybe I’ll just snap one day, I don’t know. I am not proud of what I’m doing but it feels like an addictive drug that I can’t get out of my system. I need to be rehabilitated for loving too much.

I don’t know how to end this entry, just like I don't know how to end my relationship with J. So, I’ll just stop typing.

I owe my blog an entry Part 1: E

It is depressing to realize how things worked out for me. How sad it is that I am now sitting on the floor, facing my laptop and pathetically trying to create an entry for my blog, while painfully remembering the important details of my February, March, April, and May.


February
As documented in the previous entry, we (E and I) tried to win each other back. We were going back and forth with this ‘I want you back’ scenario and I ended up losing that tug-of-war. Yes, I was the last one who said I wanted him back. And he was the last one who said NO, with all the angst and bitterness in his heart.

March
Mid-march, he left our home. He left without saying that he would. I went home after a tiring day at the grocery store to find that half of his stuff was gone, including J’s backpack. I did not know where he went, I panicked and I was dead worried about him. Little did I know, he was perfectly fine being taken care of by another girl—the girl from the third floor of our apartelle who just moved out a month ago.

I moved out of our apartment two weeks after that. A few days before I moved out, I heard through the grapevine that he was seeing somebody else—even when he was still with me. Little by little, I discovered that he and the girl had been fucking each other since November (or maybe even earlier than that, I’m not so sure anymore). At our own apartment. Yup, even when he was trying to win me back, he was fucking that girl. I confronted him through text, he carefully answered one question at a time. We had a little argument but in the end, he apologized.

He apologized for everything—for not being a suitable partner to me and a father to my son. He wanted me to tell our son that he was unfit to be his father. He also said that he will no longer extort anything from anyone and that the next time I see him, he would be a different person. He thanked me for everything. Lastly, he told me that he was sorry he wasn’t able to give me the happiness I deserve.

April
I thought he would still provide for my son. He stopped after a mere one thousand. I’m not after any monetary assistance though. In the end, I just want him to still be a father to my son.
Too bad, he no longer is a father to my son. He walked out completely. He stopped communicating; he cut off any form of communication with us.

May
I don’t know how he is now. I don’t know what he does anymore. I wanted him to still bond with our son because I can’t take that away from Aki; I don’t want our son to blame me for growing up without his biological father. I actually thought that E would not do this to his own son. But I guess he patterned his life out of his past. His father walked out of his life, so he walked out of his own son’s life.

I still worry about him. I still think about him every once in a while. I still genuinely hope that he’s doing great, that he’s eating well and not getting sick. I no longer cry because of him; I think I’m already through with that. I suffered a month or two crying my eyes out because of our failed relationship. No more of that now. I’m actually surprised about how easy it was for me to move on, although I know that I haven’t done that completely. Maybe I learned to develop a little anger from what he did and I learned not to hold on to our sappy memories anymore.

Tonight, I searched for him through my mom’s FB page since they’re still friends and he blocked me on FB. When I typed his name on the search field, I saw that he changed his profile picture. I clicked on his name on the drop down thingy; it took a while to load so instead, I went to my mom’s page and searched for his page on my mom’s friends’ list.

It’s no longer there.

Maybe he was logged in at that time; he either blocked my mom on FB as well or he closed down his FB account altogether.

So I was not able to check on him. Last resort, I checked his girlfriend’s page. Oops, no longer his girlfriend.

She’s now his wife.

That’s why I’m sulking for not having that one thing I wish I had right now—a monogamous relationship that will eventually lead to marriage.

Maybe I’ll have that someday. Maybe not. So I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what fate has in store for me. For now, I’ll just have to be happy with the pretentious relationship I have with J. I know I shouldn’t resort to this but I am in love with him. Sometimes to get what we want the most, we have to do what we want the least. And trust me, the least I wanted to be is a ----

...

No more words for now. If you had a gun with you the next time we see each other, feel free to shoot me.

*bleep

Just when I thought I had it figured out, just when I thought I was damn sure of what path I'd take, you showed me how vulnerable you really are.

I had a clear plan - leave you, be happy with him, move forward. I did not anticipate that in between steps one and two, you'd realize my worth. What happened to the wall you built around you, guarding you from any form of emotional breakdown? I thought that in all these years I've attempted to break that wall, it would never fall down and crumble.

Yet now, why all of a sudden, it did.

Now that I am finally beginning to realize that I deserve a better life with a better man. A better future with a better hope of a romantic relationship that would never die down.

Why, after all this time, did you suddenly show me that your tear glands actually work? That these glands aren't merely there. Why press your palm against your chest to indicate how painful all this is for you?

Why tell me that you know now that there's no one better for you, that there's nobody in this world who you could love the way you do me, that there's no other woman you could imagine growing old with?

If only you told me all these three months ago then all of these couldn't have happened. Then again, I could still be very frustrated trying to survive the "one-way" relationship (or so I thought) that we had.

.

Last night, when I walked away from you, I remembered a similar scenario that happened months ago. Six months to be exact. You were close to tearing up, I was having a hard time breathing from crying too much, we were hugging each other like it would be the last time we would have to do that. Because we felt that at that moment, we've reached the end of us. At that moment, we wanted to feel each other's warmth for the last time, let the love we had for each other flow. I cannot put into words how painful it is to realize that a love so strong can weaken in time...

Six months ago, you were about to leave me for someone else. This time, I am about to leave you. For someone else.

This isn't vengeance. This is the universe conspiring with me to help me achieve what I've been hoping for.

The sad part is, now I have to choose. And no matter who I choose, I will break someone's heart to pieces.

...

If you were in my situation, what would you do? Go.

WPL,S!

When the world suddenly stopped turning and all you can hear is your heartbeat, you lose all sense of self-control. You say the things you did not imagine would come out of your mouth. Your eyes focus on one thing (or person) and the rest blurs in the background. You bite your tongue while in the process of composing a sentence worthy enough to be heard. Overrated butterflies in your stomach flutter their wings endlessly. You feel your knees wobble. You find that there is no balance in this world as you see yourself falling. HARD.

I wish I could be on top of a mountain, enjoying a scenic view. Or floating in a vast sea somewhere. All I want to hear right now is either the swaying of the leaves in a hundred trees or the dancing waves in the ocean. I am tired of hearing my conscience. Yes, hearing. Not listening to. Once again, I became impulsive. The zombies ate my brain. Hence; my brain is no longer functioning. I act foolishly. I defied them.

Still, thank you. To Aphrodite who messed up my serious plan of straightening out my fucked up life, I summon Dionysus' wine and raise my glass to Olympus.

FUCK YEAH.

UP TOP!

I can think of a million different ways to start my story, a million different words and comparisons to express the gravity of the situation, but only one way to end it.

***

I told my good friend that July was the month of lies for us. It was a serious joke: Did you lie? D'you lie? July? The answer was always YES. July was a month of uncovering the truths behind the series of hurtful lies, unmasking the different faces of deceit and pretensions, revealing the hidden secrets that crushed not only one person, but three. Two victims and a suspect as other may perceive it. But I see it differently, three victims, and the whole universe to blame. We were all victims in the torments and chaos that the universe constrained us in.

***

I told myself before that once it happens, I will be well-prepared, that would be the last straw and the last reason for me to let go. And then it happened. I crossed the river when I got there. It was a complete 360 degree turn, all that was lost came back. All the love that I did not feel for almost a year, I felt it again. All the expectations I had were lost, it was all replaced by one major thing: I wish for you to love me again. The patience, kindness, and martyrdom I never thought I had all came out and molded me into this. It was never okay, but I was very optimistic, I managed to find the positive light always. All because I love you. I love us.

***

Is it too much pain that made me go numb? Or too much love that made me too forgiving? I am unsure. What I know is I am always wanting to be at home, with you and our kid. I always want to trace the outlines of your skin, feel the warmth of your lips, and brush my fingers through your hair. (They said if you're not willing to sound corny, you're not prepared to fall in love so there.. I sound so cheesy). I want more time with you always, to show you how much I've changed since. And I want to know what you want, in return.

***

I am being selfless. What we have now seems like a one-sided love affair. You don't reciprocate my endearment, you don't verbalize what you feel unlike me. If I were to rely on your actions, I will be completely assuming. Our friend asked me what I thought about your decision. I said it's either he's nowhere to run and has no other choice OR he's trying to fix us just like what I'm doing. I do prefer the latter, but I can't help but think that the first one is dominant. Although there is a certain warmth in your eyes that I see these days, that I am re-discovering the lost you from the way you yearn for me, I am still setting my expectations to a level that I know would not fail me too much. Setting expectations is what ruined me, us, and I wouldn't want that again. For now, I am content with the fact that you stayed, whole-heartedly or not. You stayed for all the right reasons, but I'm not sure if you're truly happy. Still, I am counting on your words: LET'S MAKE IT WORK. Yes. Let's do that.

***

Nawawalan na ng sense 'tong post ko. Ang iniisip ko 'pag nagsulat ako about this, touching and heartfelt ang kalalabasan. But due to the nuisance behind me, I find it impossible to create a less nauseating entry. Siguro, sa susunod na. When the world calms down and my stomach is at peace. Haay.

***

Don't ask how I am, you already know. I'm doing great. I'M AWESOME. Btw, the end that I was talking about in the first paragraph is this - Legen --- wait for it --- dary. Yes, I still have HIMYM hangover. I need an intervention, seriously. Can't wait for Season 6 to be aired in September...

Tonight I can write the saddest lines... but couldn't.

"It's a boy? It's a boy... It's a boy!"

I held his hand while he was hearing the news from his wife who is a thousand miles away from him. I told him to let it flow, tears aren't meant to hold back. It was a beautiful scene. A father to be. A proud father to be.

I let go of his hand after the conversation. I am happy for him but I couldn't help but feel nostalgic.

***

The scene took me back to April of 2007. I can still see the wide smile that flashed across his face as soon as the radiologist told us the gender of our baby.

A boy. A healthy baby boy.

I started wondering how come my life became as imperfect as it is right now. Three years ago, our family's income could barely keep us alive but, I was happy. Right now, I'm stuck with more financial problems and on top of that, my relationship with him is gradually falling apart.

The answer came to me easily. My life is as imperfect as it is because I willed it to be.

Someday, I will be in a better position. I am certain that I will hurdle over this. These walls I built to guard me against total emotional wreck will go down, I will find somebody who will help me revamp myself. That somebody will help me reunite with the romantic side of me and I will no longer be afraid of rejections.

***

I tried picturing that "somebody" a million times in my head. For a totally obvious reason, I cannot see somebody else portraying that part but you.

I wish we could go back to how things were before. Back to the time when every bad thing fades in the background and our hearts and minds were focused on the positive things that keep us going.

I miss you. I miss the "old you", the one who wrote Itadakimasu on a post-it you placed on top of a meal you prepared.

***

Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example,'The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance.' The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. Through nights like this one I held her in my arms I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is shattered and she is not with me. This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. My sight searches for her as though to go to her. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same. I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing. Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before. Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes. I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long. Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her. Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her. -Pablo Neruda

Mad Girl’s Love Song

Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

---

I was looking for a challenging declamation piece this morning when I came across this site which featured the piece above.

The month of June had been cruel to me. I went through a series of heartbreaks, two of which tested my sanity.

For the most recent heartbreak which I am hoping would be the last for this month or for this year (whatever), I dedicate the piece above. Soon, I would be creating an original entry for that but because my stomach is being very cooperative today (I love sarcasms), I would have to make do with Plath's work for now.

Memento.

"I tried calling your number... It wasn't working?"

That was your last message to me. Exactly twelve hours after that, I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror. My vision was clouded. Her voice was echoing inside my head. The need to feel giddy and dress up for the upcoming office party was gone. I could hear nothing else in the small room but the sound of my own little screams.

I completely forgot that my son was on the bed, staring at me innocently.

"What's wrong, Nanay? Why sad?"

"Nothing, baby... It was nothing..."

"Happy na!" Then he flashed his widest smile at me. I know that was supposed to take away even the slightest pain but to my surprise, it didn't. This was different. This never happened to me before.

Everything after that passed by in a flash. All I could remember was I was crying in the rain while sitting on a familiar spot at the fifth floor constantly calling out your name, hopelessly begging for you to hold me. Then I was crying in my station, re-reading all the messages you sent that I managed to save. I was also crying during my lunch break, while listening to the song "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright (which my friend told me was a song played on your favorite series, House). I also cried hard when I spoke to a friend of ours, I told her that I couldn't bear looking at a lifeless you. It was a series of crying that lasted for a whole weekend. I know I didn't manage to smile genuinely even for a second.

I am completely aware that what we had is nothing compared with what you had with M and A. Maybe I'm just a little speck of dust in your life, I'm not sure. What hurts a lot is that's not how you made me feel. For more than two years, you were a consistent confidence-booster, friend, and a heartbreaker. I almost got tired of it but you kept coming back and I was stupid enough to always take you back. The relationship we shared was never strongly defined, we talked about it a million times but we kept going around in circles. In the end, we found that it's better to let things stay as it were, no beginnings and break-ups. It was always "How have you been? I missed you so much".

That's the sad part though. There is always that feeling of being held back. I always get to the point where I stand between the thin line of expecting you to stay or being open enough to the possibility of you leaving again anytime soon. Then when the latter happens, which was the usual case, I am always left wondering how long will it take for you to send me another message . This time, I'm certain that my last message will be left unanswered.

"Thank you for making me feel appreciated, beautiful, and special. I love you XXX, goodbye."

I almost wished at one point that we were really "together". Because if we were, I know we could have broken up eons ago then it wouldn't hurt this bad. I wouldn't be wishing every night (or day) before I go to sleep that you'd come to me in my dreams. I wouldn't be going out with that loser to temporarily mask the pain. I wouldn't be going to your house for the first and last time, hesitantly looking your wife in the eye trying to find myself in her somehow. I wouldn't be staring at your picture every other minute in the office, remembering how wonderful it was that you were with me.

I also wouldn't be wondering how death works, if by now you were standing in line with the rest of the souls in the Fields of Asphodel, or merrily wandering in a beautiful world as in Lovely Bones, or playing with the angels as one of your friends mentioned. I can only wish that you are in a better place now, no more dreadful bosses, stressful commute, and all the things you dislike. No more travelling to "hell and back", no more of that.

I terribly, terribly miss you. Fighting back my tears is no longer needed, I think my tear glands malfunctioned yesterday. I am looking forward to the day that I will ask how have you been again.




---

Crappy vid.

Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind...

I have not lost anybody I love so deeply before.

This was before.

This time, I never failed to show her how much I care. I was seriously ready to get out of bed at 4am that morning to bring her to the hospital. I was so scared.

When we (my friends and I) talked about it in the office, I just said 'Ewan ko!" the moment I felt like crying, turned to face my computer, then shut up. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't face the fact that she wasn't there, laughing along with our jokes. I couldn't take the fact that she was laying on her bed, silently weeping, unable to speak and move the left part of her face. There was no one beside her the morning it happened. No one to comfort her. Nobody there to lie to her face that it was going to be okay.

I didn't lie to her that it was going to be okay. I know it wasn't going to be.

'And'yan si ___!" I rushed over to see her, but stopped on my track when I saw her face. I said hi then ran back to my station.

I cried for about five minutes. My shawl was helping me wipe the trace of tears from my face. I felt so broken.

I managed to stop when one of my friends told me that she shouldn't see me this way. She wouldn't want to see me crying. She is very strong, and she does not want to see anybody crying over her. She doesn't show us how hurt she is, and in return, she expects us to do the same.

I'm ready for it.

You're ready, but we're not. I love you like my own sister.

It's hard to face the inevitable. Someday, I hope it won't be too soon, I will weep a million more tears for her. And unlike what I've been telling my other friend whose grandfather's life is on the line, I am not getting myself ready. I can't find the strength to do so.

"She faces the wreck of worlds, and prophesies restoration.
She faces a sky blood-red with sunset colours that deepen into darkness, and prophesies dawn.
She faces death, and prophesies life."

"Try to be like the turtle -- at ease in your own shell."

I was so happy when I learned that I got $80.00 USD for being such a good agent.

WHY? Well, our account has this cool performance-based bonus which they named 'Go for Gold'. Top agents get $100, $80, or $40 depending on their CSAT Scores every month. Before, they (the management) gives the bonus every 15th of the month. Now, they give it every 3 months. Unfortunately, I never qualified from October to January because of my crappy absenteeism rate.

However; since my TL is so nice, I managed to hit the below 7% mark so I no longer am part of the 'IF ONLY' list for the months February and March.

I was literally jumping around the floor. I WAS SO HAPPY. It feels really good to know that I am well-rewarded. Although most agents got more than I got, one even reached the maximum which is $300 for 3 months, I am still very happy. I was feeling low since last week because my pay would not be sufficient for my family's monetary needs so this $80 really is a big help. In addition to that, I am qualified for an SSS loan so I no longer need to borrow money from a lending company that charges high interest rates. :)

I was telling my friend (well, more like shaking while telling) about this when she commented 'You'll realize later on that it's only $80 [compared to the other agent's bonuses]". I feel proud of myself for not sulking and responding with 'Oo nga 'no, you're right'. That's because I programmed myself not to complain and be contented with what I have. Comparing my bonus, or whatever I have for that matter, with anybody else's will only cause envy. Envy is evil. It gets you no where but to a world full of regrets and grudges. Those two words I am trying to erase from my vocabulary.

Honestly, I don't feel bad that I only got $80.00 USD. Scratch 'only', please.

I hope my friend did not think that I was pretentious in reacting like I did not care. Because frankly, I did not care that most agents got more than I got. Do not care. Will never care. What's important is, I'll get more than my usual pay on Friday.

What difference does it make how much there is laid away in a man's safe or in his barns, how many head of stock he grazes or how much capital he puts out at interest, if he is always after what is another's and only counts what he has yet to get, never what he has already. You ask what is the proper limit to a person's wealth? First, having what is essential, and second, having what is enough. - Seneca

Dot Dot Dot

I changed my layout. It's as messy as the stuff swirling around my head. When I'm already feeling less tired and sleepy as I am right now, I will post a decent entry. Err.. scratch 'decent' from the last sentence. :)

The Bond Girl

I hate it when looklet does that. I tried sending the look to my page and all it did was give me the message 'Sending look to your page'. So instead of waiting for forever, or recreating the look in the morning (it works in the morning), I would have to settle with a screen shot of my recent master piece. LOL. If only there was a way to remove that Save Look box in the middle, then it would have been perfect.

When I create a new look, a story is being written in my head. Piece after piece, a dialogue is born. Once I am finished, the woman becomes another character. This one is my version of a Bond girl. I think she's cool. :)

"Au Revoir, Bond. There would be no other lifetime to meet you again. "

Looklet

If I had the body and the money, I'd wear this (or something close to this) to our upcoming annual Red and Black ball. Funky style!

Or maybe wear something like this everyday at work. :)

♥Keep dreaming.♥

I am.

I am sitting here in front of my computer, contemplating on what I should do next. The bathroom rack gave up again, soap and other toiletries are laying battered on the bathroom floor. The rice cooker is empty. There are no food on the table. I am waiting for him to come home.

Days off for me usually pass by unproductively. I spend long hours trying to vent my frustrations on looklet, or floorplanner. I usually am content with that. No gimiks with friends, no coffee tambay wherever. I do have friends, yes. But I only see them when it's needed. You can barely drag my feet out of the house on my days off.

What have I become? When I was younger, my feet won't stay put inside our house. Maybe I am stomped with too much responsibilities, that a day alone became my paradise. Day after day, I have to deal with work, school, and my family. An hour, or a day alone sounds like heaven to me. However, being left alone makes me think too much. A new year is approaching, the holiday season is at its peak. The purpose of this entry is to make something out of my little self - a list of my new year's resolution.

1. To start off - I WILL BE productive on my days off. But how?
2. I will only bring enough money when I leave the house. I could burn Php500 on one regular day, and that is ridiculous for me. I need discipline on handling our money.
3. Do not put off anything I should do. Haste makes waste. I may be good at cramming but it blows my mind off. Ugh.
4. BE SURE TO WAKE UP TO THE SOUND OF THE ALARM. I can't recall how many times I wrote this on the FA sheet, always starting with the phrase I PROMISE. It gets broken all the time.
5. Be MORE patient in dealing with people. People. In general.
6. Be less vain. As I have been for the past few months.
7. Care less. Be less sensitive. Deal with issues appropriately.
8. Break it off. :)
9. Stop avoiding people and conflicts with people.
10. Say NO.

Ehem.

Everything's possible when you're determined to do it. It's about finding and holding on to the reason why I should do it. Right now, I feel like I'm a big ad for Nike - Just do it. Sigh.

*And yeah, this entry is not very cohesive. Psh.

Pain Galore

I was on a tricycle on my way home last night and I was crying. I asked myself 'When was the last time I cried because of too much physical pain?'

Truth is, I couldn't remember. Even when I was experiencing labor pains, all I did was curse. I grew up experiencing physical pain almost everyday from my mother's beating, and that made my pain tolerance high. Last night was torture beyond compare, the bones in my back felt like it were twisting, there was a mass inside my stomach that felt like a huge bomb wanting to explode so badly. I got home, rushed to the comfort room and released what I had to release. I thought I was going to be okay, turned out it was only a prelude to a worse kind of pain. I vomited everything that was in my stomach - my lunch, my afternoon snack, everything. I saw bits of the penoy I ate before going to school, some squash, some lechon paksiw, and even the soda I drank, I tasted it coming out of my mouth. After throwing up, a bigger mass built up inside of me, and that was it - Welcome to hell.

It was a familiar pain. Friday last week, I experienced it at around 1 o'clock in the morning. I tried to sleep through it, but it lasted until morning. It was not easy, I was jerking and trying to find a comfortable position and I failed. Every 20 minutes, I will wake up from unbearable pain. I never left for school that day, but I surprisingly got better that afternoon. I also vomited, but I managed to eat in the morning. Last night, however, my body was rejecting food which was very unusual. It never happened before, even when I was od'd, or when I had UTI, or when I had an accute viral infection after I gave birth (binat), or even when I was suffering from severe tonsilitis that had me go through an operation. Food is my ultimate glory, not even a severe sickness could make me stay away from eating. So last night was a first, a very unfortunate exception.

My partner tried to ease the pain by rubbing eficascent oil on my back and belly - to no avail. I tried to sleep through it, thinking that like before, the pain will go away. It didn't. I tried sleeping on the couch, on the floor, and tried several body positions but the pain remained. The pain started at around 3:45 pm, and at around 8:30, I gave up. I asked my partner to bring me to the hospital because I swear, I was thinking of dying on the spot only to be free from that agony. I took a bath, and waited for my partner to finish taking his, and while waiting I was almost screaming 'ayoko na'. Nakakahiya man marinig ng kasambahay namin, but that's how tormented I was.

On the way to the hospital, I thought of the possible reasons for the pain - kidney failure, lamig, lung something. I was open to a number of possibilities, and I was preparing myself to spend the night in a cold room at the hospital. When I got to the Emergency Room, the doctor asked me to give her a urine sample and then she poked different areas in my belly. Afterwards, the nurse injected Buscopan and pain killer in my system.

My partner stood beside me, holding my hand all throughout. I felt bad for him, he was scheduled for an interview for a higher position that night but had to let it pass because of me. Although it looked like he was not worried and was only happy for any reason to get him out of work for a day, he stayed and remained calm and patient. We were both waiting for the pain to subside, and after a few minutes, I felt drowsy. Pampatulog ata 'yung sinaksak sa 'kin. I managed to sleep for a good 45 minutes, with my right leg resting on my left knee. The pain was almost gone, or so I thought. A nurse woke me up from my almost peaceful slumber, and asked me if I the pain were gone. I sat up, nakiramdam ng konti, and said 'Opo, parang wala na'.

After one minute, it striked again. I told the doctor about it, but she only told me that I needed to induce pain killer in my system to make it go away. Apparently, it was only muscoskeletal pain because my urine was clean and free from whatever. My partner and I looked at each other and we were both puzzled. That was it? I am still suffering, and they did no more test, they only went about with their business and completely ignored us after. My partner asked the doctor what else can we do, and she just said that if the pain killer she provided didn't work, then go take another kind of pain killer. The one she gave us should do the trick na daw. I was so pissed, I walked out of the ER thinking I'd get a second opinion tomorrow.

Well, I always trusted doctors' judgments. I rarely doubt them, and I do whatever it is they advise. So, I took the pill, it worked and I was able to sleep that night. My mom, failing to receive my text message, still went to the hospital to check on me. Too late though, we were already home. I was already half-asleep when I heard her voice outside of our room, too bad I don't have enough strength to stand up and explain to her what happened. She brought food for me and my partner, and I heard that she was willing to stay overnight for me if I were admitted to the hospital. I'm thankful for her love and concern, and I'm going to quote Kris's statements 'I always felt that I was mom's favorite'. LOL.

I was not able to get a second opinion, as planned, but am planning to visit a physical therapist tomorrow. Right now, I'm good with the pain killer ready once this first wave of pain I'm feeling gets worse. There are so many mysteries inside my body, too bad there's no solid reason for its existence. I remember my ovarian cancer-scare, after going through transvaginal ultrasound and the works, it turned out I was only experiencing ___ (it's at the tip of my tongue). They said psychosomatic lang 'to, but I think it's better to face the possible consequences instead of being surprised with a taning. So hopefully, I'd feel better tomorrow, and I wish that I no longer experience what I went through last night. I'd schedule a doctor's appointment first thing in the morning. :)