It only takes one look to forget.

In the stillness of the night, I tried remembering my frustrations from the past. Things that couldn't make me happy and contented. I had almost everything--a decent place, complete set of appliances, two bedrooms (one for us and the other for our son), a nanny, a job. All I needed to do was keep it together, stay focused on our li'l family.

Just like him, I couldn't. I was the one who gave up. And like a betrayal, my mind can't show me the details why I gave up.

I'd like to think that it was because I forgave and moved on without regrets or grudge. Most importantly, I am happier now. I can't even remember the feeling of frustration, how once upon a time, it pushed me into smacking my head against the wall every night (or day.) The closest I get to feeling pain nowadays is the throbbing of my head or my throat. Minor physical pains that can easily be remedied. For that, I am thankful.

He listens to me, asks me how my day was, and doesn't forget to put the night light on before leaving for work. He comes home, immediately puts his things down to sit beside me and share whatever meal I made for the day. He'd always praise my cooking.

He sleeps silently while I lay beside him wondering how I got so lucky.

Then I remember, I was thinking about my frustrations.. One look at him and then I forget I was doing so.

Yours and proud.

I love you, for the many things you do and don't do.

For the times I speak and make no sense, or when I make too much sense and you counteract my reasons.

Even then, you let me see your logic. When there's none, I let you see mine and you silently but purposefully oblige.

When people fail me, you offer encouraging words, lifting my spirits up even when I least need it.

You make it known that you stand by my side, no matter what.

When I receive harsh words, you replace them with sweet ones.

Even ones that don't relate but still makes me smile.

You make me forget that I'm lonely, when I am. Or mad, when I'm really just disappointed.

You hug me tight, run your fingers through my hair, and lay a kiss on my forehead so gentle, so full of respect...

Those kisses melt my heart every time.

Can I imagine someone loving me as much as you do? As beautiful and unconditional as the love you offer?

How can I not be proud of a love like that? How can I not boast of a love so pure yet so strong?

Your love, that I reciprocate in many ways that I can.

To satisfying your belly to enriching your mind...

To giving you compliments and the appreciation you deserve...

Tell me now, how lucky have I become? I must have been Ghandi in my past life to deserve someone like you. No, just you.

I love you more than I have ever loved someone else before. And maybe you feel the same way as I can't imagine a greater love you can offer.

A love like yours, your love, I proudly call mine in this lifetime.

Wala itong title. Dahil mahina ako sa pagbibigay ng titles.

Pareho tayong nakatingin sa kawalan, habang nakaupo sa may liwasan, nasa kaliwang dulo ako ng upuan at ikaw naman, nasa dulong kanan.

Kaunting distansya pero ramdam ko ang layo mo. Para kang nasa kabilang mundo. Wala tayong lakas para magsimula ng usapan, para hawakan ang isa't isa.

Nangingilid na ang luha ko. May mga salitang gusto nang pakawalan ang bibig ko pero nananatiling itong sarado. Nilalamon ako ng emosyon, nawawalan ng klaro ang isipan. Dapat ba kitang sumbatan? Dapat ba kitang sisihin? O dapat ba akong magmakaawa?

"Wala ka bang sasabihin?" tanong mo, sabay tayo sa iyong kinauupuan. May galit at awa sa mga mata mo. Gustong gusto kong malaman kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isipan mo. Sa bawat pagtitig mo sa akin, unti-unti akong natutunaw.

"Bakit..." Pagsisimula ko, at naputol ito ng marahang paghikbi.

"Hindi na 'to maaayos. Wala na tayong magagawa. Tapos na. May sasabihin ka pa?"

Iling ang isinagot ko sa'yo. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang sabihin, na pigilan kang 'wag umalis. Na '

wag kang lumayo. Na ang bawat paghakbang mo palayo sa akin ay ikamamatay ko.

Nakakailang hakbang ka pa lang nang tumayo ako para yakapin ka nang patalikod. Sumabog na ang luha, malakas na paghikbi, habang sinasabi ko sayo'ng mahal na mahal kita...

Marahas mong tinanggal ang pagkakakapit ng mga kamay ko sa 'yong bisig. Humarap ka sa 'kin at bahagyang tinulak ako palayo.

"Ayoko na, please lang. Nakipagkita lang ako sa'yo para pormal nang tapusin ang lahat! 'Wag ka nang maghabol! Tignan mo nga ang sarili mo, para kang tutang nagmamakaawa! Respetuhin mo, kahit konti, ang sarili mo. Ang desisyon ko!"

Dumilim ang langit. Nagbabadya ang ulan. Mukhang malakas, saktong sasabayan ang agos ng aking pagluha. Ang pagyanig ng aking mundo. Ang unti-unting pagguho ng lahat ng pinanghawakan ko, lahat upang manatili kang akin.

"Buntis ako... Dalawang buwan na ang bata..."

"Aakuin ko. Magpapadala ako ng sustento."

"Pero ikaw... Ikaw ang kailangan ko. Namin!"

Nakita ko ang pagtigas ng panga mo. Galit at hindi awa o pagmamahal ang reaksyon mo, di gaya nang inaasahan ko.

"Hindi na nga pwede diba? Ano pa bang hindi klaro sa'yo?!"

"Hindi ko maintindihan kung paanong siya ang pinili mo at hindi ako!"

Bumuhos na ang ulan. Malakas at malalaki ang mga patak ngunit hindi ko halos maramdaman. Dinaig ng emosyonal na sakit, minanhid nito, ang kahit anong pisikal na sensasyon. Kahit ang pangangatog ng katawan kong pilit nilalabanan ang panghihina ay di ko pansin.

Sa malakas ng buhos na ulan, rinig ko ang marahan mong yapak. Palayo. Sa akin, sa ating anak.

Bago pa man nilamon ng ulan ang pandinig ko, habang ang mata ko'y marahang pumipikit upang 'di makita ang iyong paglayo, ay narinig ko ang mga huling salitang iyong sinambit.

At ito'y paulit-ulit na sumisigaw sa utak ko. Sa puso ko, sa buo kong pagkatao. Sapat upang mapaluhod ako sa basang semento.

"Humanap ka na nang masisilungan, baka kung mapa'no pa kayo ng bata.

Babalik na 'ko kay Anton."

Carpe diem!

Holding back my emotions is my weakness. No matter how I try not to breakdown, I almost always do. There were tears but words were trapped. There were just emotions, no words.

I know now that I didn't have to die to know who cares.

When I was first starting with ePer, my world was full of pretensions, fake people, and frustrations. I was about to believe that the industry does not hold people who are true to themselves. Everything was about getting ahead of others. Puro hambog, puro pasikatan, puro plastik. Puro pambababae, panlalalaki, paninira, walang tunay na samahan. I felt that there were no one I can lean on to, someone I can open up to without being judged. It was a hell I'd have to deal with. There were a few who were real but had to be fake to survive.

Then I met the people who changed my perception of the call center life. It started with the ROW peeps, then the last bunch of people I've had the pleasure to work with--my JaiHo peeps. I gradually turned from a monster to a human being. I owe it to the people who taught me a few valuable lessons in life such as---

- It's okay to have less. Be content with what you have. Material things don't define a person, those are things that eventually break and had to be disposed of. What is essential is invisible to the eye. I knew that even before but it didn't really sink in. It's okay to wear the same shirt every week, to not have a cool phone, to not drink an overpriced coffee, to not go on gimmicks on your days off. It's perfectly okay, it's better, to be simple and humble instead of being in debt all the time for wanting too much that you can't afford.

- Don't judge. It only shows that you're insecure and that you are envious. There's nothing wrong with being happy for someone else. We all have flaws, we all aren't perfect, so who are we to judge? Unless the person's a really fucked up bitch or an asshole. Char.

- To err is human. We all have our area of expertise, we all are quipped with better knowledge of a thing or two compared to other people. Not knowing something doesn't mean you're stupid. We just have to be patient and open to learning and sharing what we know, without being such a smart ass.

- Laugh often. Jokes are meant to be funny, walang personalan. Ang mapikon, talo. Embrace your flaws and when you get laughed at because of that, be fine with it. At least it makes people happy :-)

- Listen. Intently. Learn to empathize. Learn from other people. Nakakagaan ng loob ang sharing. Mas nakakakagaan ng loob na alam mong may nakikinig sa'yo.

- Don't take life too seriously. We all have our moments, you can cry or shout or be pissed off when something bad happens but eventually, you have to accept it and move on. Turn the negative things into positive things; remember that things happen for a reason. There's always something better in store for you.

- Love without regrets and expectations but don't give your all. Make room for yourself. You have to love yourself before you get to love another.

- Appreciate who and what you have. Enough said.

- Hugs are instant medicines to heartbreaks. :-)

- Be there for each other. Always have each other's backs. When you're down, you're sure that there will be someone to pick you up.

- Don't hold grudges. Give chances. Good karma is waiting for you.

At marami pang iba. Maybe I just can't enumerate them all. But for sure, words aren't enough to let these people know how thankful I am because of them. My family, my brothers and sisters from different mothers and fathers. I will miss you all.

I owe my blog an entry Part 2: J

Oh yes, I am aware that the logical and smart thing to do would be to leave him. I know how it feels to be betrayed and cheated on so I should not do this to another woman. Trust me, I do know that!

But can you blame me? He promised to leave me for her. He said that he is just waiting for that perfect timing and that she’s not an animal that you can leave just like that. I was holding on to that promise!

I love him. He is what I expected him to be; just a little tweak and he’d be perfect for me. He’s sweet in his own ways; he may be corny at times but he makes me laugh which is very important. He listens intently to what I’m saying; he does not cut me off or tells me that what I’m saying means nothing to him—even if it really is none of his concern. When he touches, kisses, or hugs me, I feel the sincerity and love. When I lay my head on his chest, it feels like home and I never want to pull away. He’s protective of me, he’s jealous, and he’s in pain because of my past. His words may be harsh when he’s mad, a little immature at times but when I do get his point, I just scratch my head and say to myself ‘He’s damn right’.

He makes me want to be a better person. I never had an attendance infraction since we became together, I now work more diligently and with more integrity, and I became more responsible and proactive with my job. I now ignore other guys (not like there’s a lot); I’m just saying that I no longer get that feeling that I want to flirt with other guys still. That part’s a little funny and it may cause some people to raise their eyebrows but it’s true. I learned to control my temper, manage my time, and be a better friend to everyone. I no longer get crazily drunk or high. On top of all that, I just quit smoking because he told me to.

One of the determining factors of my being in love with him tremendously is that he is also in love with my son. I know that it’s not just for show; given his age he now wants to raise his own child. Since he doesn’t have one yet, he pours his frustration to be a dad out to my son which is a good thing. He’s adorable, trying to be a father and all. Plus, my son adores him too. It’s wonderful to watch them bond, play, and feed each other French fries.

I know that in order to realize how hard it is for me to leave him, you would have to be in my position. I did try to leave him, many times. I can’t tell you exactly how many times I told him that I’m walking away. I could not do it. I would always take him back.

The biggest fight we had was after our beach trip. We did not talk for a whole shift. I really thought that that was the end of us, that I was strong enough for our break up. After shift, we sat and talked for close to an hour; half the time was spent on crying. I blamed him for allowing all this to happen, for not leaving the other girl as he promised. I begged him for a reason and he told me the truth—he was about to leave her but he realized that he loved us equally he would rather leave us both than choose one over the other. I don’t know how that’s possible or even if that were true but it hurts like hell. I wasn’t enough after all, I was not able to give him enough reasons to leave her.

When he said that he did not know what to do at that point, I told him that I’d decide for him. I told him that I’ll just leave since I am the intruder in the first place. He cried; he showed me that he did not want me to go. I stood my ground and held on to my decision; I knew I had to sacrifice my feelings, again, so that things would be better for all party involved. He got my point and accepted my decision.

And so we bade goodbye and for the first time, I rode the jeepney alone on the way home.

I was holding back my tears all the way home. When I finally reached my room, I cried hard. I felt like I wanted to disappear. I couldn’t breathe properly; my chest felt like it was about to explode. I couldn’t think or talk straight. In short, I realized that I can’t lose him. No way. Even if it means that I have to live with the fact that he may not leave the other girl at all. I would rather go through the pain of knowing that I no longer have his promise than be without him. The fear of losing him suddenly became unbearable.

And so we got back together that same day—I went to UP to meet him and told him the last three sentences of the previous paragraph.

After that episode, I stopped looking forward to a future with him. I no longer speak of anything that relates to moving in together, marriage, kids, goals and all that family shit. Plus, I learned how to pretend. I blocked any thought of the other girl’s existence just ‘cause it hurts too much. I managed to distract myself every time something will remind me of her existence. He’s happy with that, he’s now less stressed because I no longer nag him about moving out or about his relationship with her. We’re happy living a lie. There are more laughter and sweet moments than ever before.

Someday, one of us will walk away. This will end; someone has to get tired since this cannot go on forever. I have never lived with too much uncertainties ‘til now and truth is, it’s draining the life out of me. Maybe I’ll just snap one day, I don’t know. I am not proud of what I’m doing but it feels like an addictive drug that I can’t get out of my system. I need to be rehabilitated for loving too much.

I don’t know how to end this entry, just like I don't know how to end my relationship with J. So, I’ll just stop typing.

I owe my blog an entry Part 1: E

It is depressing to realize how things worked out for me. How sad it is that I am now sitting on the floor, facing my laptop and pathetically trying to create an entry for my blog, while painfully remembering the important details of my February, March, April, and May.


February
As documented in the previous entry, we (E and I) tried to win each other back. We were going back and forth with this ‘I want you back’ scenario and I ended up losing that tug-of-war. Yes, I was the last one who said I wanted him back. And he was the last one who said NO, with all the angst and bitterness in his heart.

March
Mid-march, he left our home. He left without saying that he would. I went home after a tiring day at the grocery store to find that half of his stuff was gone, including J’s backpack. I did not know where he went, I panicked and I was dead worried about him. Little did I know, he was perfectly fine being taken care of by another girl—the girl from the third floor of our apartelle who just moved out a month ago.

I moved out of our apartment two weeks after that. A few days before I moved out, I heard through the grapevine that he was seeing somebody else—even when he was still with me. Little by little, I discovered that he and the girl had been fucking each other since November (or maybe even earlier than that, I’m not so sure anymore). At our own apartment. Yup, even when he was trying to win me back, he was fucking that girl. I confronted him through text, he carefully answered one question at a time. We had a little argument but in the end, he apologized.

He apologized for everything—for not being a suitable partner to me and a father to my son. He wanted me to tell our son that he was unfit to be his father. He also said that he will no longer extort anything from anyone and that the next time I see him, he would be a different person. He thanked me for everything. Lastly, he told me that he was sorry he wasn’t able to give me the happiness I deserve.

April
I thought he would still provide for my son. He stopped after a mere one thousand. I’m not after any monetary assistance though. In the end, I just want him to still be a father to my son.
Too bad, he no longer is a father to my son. He walked out completely. He stopped communicating; he cut off any form of communication with us.

May
I don’t know how he is now. I don’t know what he does anymore. I wanted him to still bond with our son because I can’t take that away from Aki; I don’t want our son to blame me for growing up without his biological father. I actually thought that E would not do this to his own son. But I guess he patterned his life out of his past. His father walked out of his life, so he walked out of his own son’s life.

I still worry about him. I still think about him every once in a while. I still genuinely hope that he’s doing great, that he’s eating well and not getting sick. I no longer cry because of him; I think I’m already through with that. I suffered a month or two crying my eyes out because of our failed relationship. No more of that now. I’m actually surprised about how easy it was for me to move on, although I know that I haven’t done that completely. Maybe I learned to develop a little anger from what he did and I learned not to hold on to our sappy memories anymore.

Tonight, I searched for him through my mom’s FB page since they’re still friends and he blocked me on FB. When I typed his name on the search field, I saw that he changed his profile picture. I clicked on his name on the drop down thingy; it took a while to load so instead, I went to my mom’s page and searched for his page on my mom’s friends’ list.

It’s no longer there.

Maybe he was logged in at that time; he either blocked my mom on FB as well or he closed down his FB account altogether.

So I was not able to check on him. Last resort, I checked his girlfriend’s page. Oops, no longer his girlfriend.

She’s now his wife.

That’s why I’m sulking for not having that one thing I wish I had right now—a monogamous relationship that will eventually lead to marriage.

Maybe I’ll have that someday. Maybe not. So I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what fate has in store for me. For now, I’ll just have to be happy with the pretentious relationship I have with J. I know I shouldn’t resort to this but I am in love with him. Sometimes to get what we want the most, we have to do what we want the least. And trust me, the least I wanted to be is a ----

...

No more words for now. If you had a gun with you the next time we see each other, feel free to shoot me.

*bleep

Just when I thought I had it figured out, just when I thought I was damn sure of what path I'd take, you showed me how vulnerable you really are.

I had a clear plan - leave you, be happy with him, move forward. I did not anticipate that in between steps one and two, you'd realize my worth. What happened to the wall you built around you, guarding you from any form of emotional breakdown? I thought that in all these years I've attempted to break that wall, it would never fall down and crumble.

Yet now, why all of a sudden, it did.

Now that I am finally beginning to realize that I deserve a better life with a better man. A better future with a better hope of a romantic relationship that would never die down.

Why, after all this time, did you suddenly show me that your tear glands actually work? That these glands aren't merely there. Why press your palm against your chest to indicate how painful all this is for you?

Why tell me that you know now that there's no one better for you, that there's nobody in this world who you could love the way you do me, that there's no other woman you could imagine growing old with?

If only you told me all these three months ago then all of these couldn't have happened. Then again, I could still be very frustrated trying to survive the "one-way" relationship (or so I thought) that we had.

.

Last night, when I walked away from you, I remembered a similar scenario that happened months ago. Six months to be exact. You were close to tearing up, I was having a hard time breathing from crying too much, we were hugging each other like it would be the last time we would have to do that. Because we felt that at that moment, we've reached the end of us. At that moment, we wanted to feel each other's warmth for the last time, let the love we had for each other flow. I cannot put into words how painful it is to realize that a love so strong can weaken in time...

Six months ago, you were about to leave me for someone else. This time, I am about to leave you. For someone else.

This isn't vengeance. This is the universe conspiring with me to help me achieve what I've been hoping for.

The sad part is, now I have to choose. And no matter who I choose, I will break someone's heart to pieces.

...

If you were in my situation, what would you do? Go.